It's late at night, and I'm going to ramble a bit.
I mentioned the other day that I've been thinking about Vector more often. Well, today was Vector's estimated due date. I have to say, it's a lot easier to deal with the EDD for a child that will never be born while carrying a 15-week baby than it was while still waiting for a baby, like the first time.
After we lost Keiki, and I had to go through the pattern of tests and waiting, tests and waiting, I found myself remembering often just how far along I should be. And then I would get sad and bitter (rinse, repeat...). With Vector that wasn't the case, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I didn't get as attached since I never heard or saw a heartbeat. Perhaps my earlier experience had prepared me for another miscarriage, and, in a sick way, I expected it. I was extremely unhappy that two miscarriages make miscarriage an expected outcome, but I couldn't let that sink my hope for long. It also made a difference knowing we could TTC again virtually right away. After Keiki, I wasn't sure when we'd ever get to TTC again.
Miscarriage #2 was just easier in every way. Physically, the D&C was a piece of cake and I bounced back physically in no time. Emotionally, I think I can pinpoint a time when I completely snapped out of it. Yes, there was a relapse or two into despair, but I didn't lose any ground in emotional growth since the first miscarriage.
And maybe that's why I don't remember my second pregnancy as well, and I certainly don't dwell on it very much. It got swept under the rug relatively easily. And with Wrigley on the way, I haven't spent any time at all in the last few months reflecting on how pregnant I would be if things had turned out differently. There would be no Wrigley if Vector were still with us, and I really, really love my Wrigley.
But still. In a world with no miscarriage I'd have an 11-month-old and a brand-newborn right around now. (It would be unlikely, but both babies could--technically--have made it to term without Keiki negating Vector's existence.) And perhaps we'd have to have stayed in our 2-bedroom apartment a bit longer with two babies sharing a room. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't He? As I've stated before, I don't believe God plans for these things to happen, but He can certainly make good come out of it.
I guess we really have made it out the end of the dark tunnel, because I really wouldn't change anything right now. I'm a mom to three babies, two in heaven and one on the way. And that's totally okay.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Baby Nicknames
I have recently come to realize that I've never really gone into explanations of our babies' nicknames here. Each one has a meaning, albeit not always a profound one. We have fun naming our babies before we can give them proper names, so here's a brief description of each one.
Baby #1: Keiki
Before Erich and I got married, we decided that we wouldn't use any birth control. So we were already aware that we could get pregnant pretty soon when we were on our honeymoon in Hawai'i. When there, we learned some Hawai'ian lingo, including the word keiki. It's Hawai'ian for "child" or "kid." Erich thought it would make a great nickname for an unborn baby before we know if it's a boy or girl, if we were to find out. I agreed, and when I did fall pregnant, Keiki was the nickname for the little one.
Erich continued in the assumption that Keiki would be the name of all of our unborn babies. I assented while I still assumed that our Keiki would eventually have a real name. However, after the miscarriage, never having found out if it was a boy or a girl, I couldn't bear the thought that our first baby would never have a unique name. I didn't really think to assign a new and meaningful name to our first baby: we had already continued calling him/her "Keiki." I didn't want this baby to have to be Keiki the First or Keiki 1. Thus, the Keiki nickname was retired.
Baby #2: Vector
It took a few weeks to settle on a nickname for our second baby. I had pitched a few, but Erich rejected them. It was then decided that Erich would be the official nicknamer, though we would decide together on actual names. One of the nicknames we threw around was Wrigley, after the field where our beloved Cubs play. That was eventually rejected, however. As this was mid-November, we still stung from their extremely poor performance in the play-offs that Fall.
"Vector" came about while we were watching an episode of House Hunters, set, coincidentally, in Hawai'i. The final scenes of the episode showed what the buyers had done with the house, and they showed a picture of a bedroom in which they had put down new wood floors. I quickly went into minor conniptions, convinced they had oriented the slats wrong (perpendicular to the bed, not parallel! Wrong, I say!). Erich, attempting to understand, said something sarcastic about the vector of the angles or some such gobbledegook. I laughed that my engineer husband could pull out such math-y terms in conversation. "Ha!" I quipped. "We should name our kids Vector and [other math-y word we can't remember]." I was joking about these being real names, but Erich got thoughtful and declared that Vector would be our baby's nickname.
One time, on a long car ride, I asked Erich one more time what a vector actually is. He patiently and succinctly explained it again, and I replied, "Wrong! It's a little baby." We laughed together, so excited to start telling our family that we were expecting a baby in July. Two days later, we found out that our little Vector's physical form had never been bigger than microscopic. This being the earlier of our two miscarriages, gestationally-speaking, and being crowded into a busy December, it's easier to forget the details of my second pregnancy. I've been thinking about Vector more often recently, though, remembering our baby who never developed a hearbeat.
But now, onto happier thoughts...
Baby #3: Wrigley
On the morning of April 30, I had a feeling I should take a pregnancy test, so I did, Erich close by. We waited patiently as the field of pink cleared, the control line darkened and so, very gradually, did the test line. We shared a high five and a hug before Erich went off to work. We did it again! It was Springtime. Unlike our last two babies, this one would be due in the Winter. Unlike our last two babies, this one we would expect to take home to our new house, which we would have plenty of time to get ready for a baby. And maybe unlike last year, the Cubs wouldn't play like champions in the regular season only to embody complete losers and be swept in the post season.
Yes, this was a new season of hope for our Cubs and for our fertility, so Erich soon decided that we could use our previously-tabled baby nickname, Wrigley. It fits much better for this baby than for Vector, since I've already had the joy of feeling this one wriggle around.
And, to answer the question I've gotten a few times already in the comments, we do hope to find out if Wrigley is a boy or girl at the big ultrasound. If we do get that info, Wrigley may be known as Wrigley for only a few more weeks!
Baby #1: Keiki
Before Erich and I got married, we decided that we wouldn't use any birth control. So we were already aware that we could get pregnant pretty soon when we were on our honeymoon in Hawai'i. When there, we learned some Hawai'ian lingo, including the word keiki. It's Hawai'ian for "child" or "kid." Erich thought it would make a great nickname for an unborn baby before we know if it's a boy or girl, if we were to find out. I agreed, and when I did fall pregnant, Keiki was the nickname for the little one.
Erich continued in the assumption that Keiki would be the name of all of our unborn babies. I assented while I still assumed that our Keiki would eventually have a real name. However, after the miscarriage, never having found out if it was a boy or a girl, I couldn't bear the thought that our first baby would never have a unique name. I didn't really think to assign a new and meaningful name to our first baby: we had already continued calling him/her "Keiki." I didn't want this baby to have to be Keiki the First or Keiki 1. Thus, the Keiki nickname was retired.
Baby #2: Vector
It took a few weeks to settle on a nickname for our second baby. I had pitched a few, but Erich rejected them. It was then decided that Erich would be the official nicknamer, though we would decide together on actual names. One of the nicknames we threw around was Wrigley, after the field where our beloved Cubs play. That was eventually rejected, however. As this was mid-November, we still stung from their extremely poor performance in the play-offs that Fall.
"Vector" came about while we were watching an episode of House Hunters, set, coincidentally, in Hawai'i. The final scenes of the episode showed what the buyers had done with the house, and they showed a picture of a bedroom in which they had put down new wood floors. I quickly went into minor conniptions, convinced they had oriented the slats wrong (perpendicular to the bed, not parallel! Wrong, I say!). Erich, attempting to understand, said something sarcastic about the vector of the angles or some such gobbledegook. I laughed that my engineer husband could pull out such math-y terms in conversation. "Ha!" I quipped. "We should name our kids Vector and [other math-y word we can't remember]." I was joking about these being real names, but Erich got thoughtful and declared that Vector would be our baby's nickname.
One time, on a long car ride, I asked Erich one more time what a vector actually is. He patiently and succinctly explained it again, and I replied, "Wrong! It's a little baby." We laughed together, so excited to start telling our family that we were expecting a baby in July. Two days later, we found out that our little Vector's physical form had never been bigger than microscopic. This being the earlier of our two miscarriages, gestationally-speaking, and being crowded into a busy December, it's easier to forget the details of my second pregnancy. I've been thinking about Vector more often recently, though, remembering our baby who never developed a hearbeat.
But now, onto happier thoughts...
Baby #3: Wrigley
On the morning of April 30, I had a feeling I should take a pregnancy test, so I did, Erich close by. We waited patiently as the field of pink cleared, the control line darkened and so, very gradually, did the test line. We shared a high five and a hug before Erich went off to work. We did it again! It was Springtime. Unlike our last two babies, this one would be due in the Winter. Unlike our last two babies, this one we would expect to take home to our new house, which we would have plenty of time to get ready for a baby. And maybe unlike last year, the Cubs wouldn't play like champions in the regular season only to embody complete losers and be swept in the post season.
Yes, this was a new season of hope for our Cubs and for our fertility, so Erich soon decided that we could use our previously-tabled baby nickname, Wrigley. It fits much better for this baby than for Vector, since I've already had the joy of feeling this one wriggle around.
And, to answer the question I've gotten a few times already in the comments, we do hope to find out if Wrigley is a boy or girl at the big ultrasound. If we do get that info, Wrigley may be known as Wrigley for only a few more weeks!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Butterflies
Last night, Erich and I went to a concert held at our church. It was a group of four young men singing a capella. I wasn't sure what styles to expect; I thought maybe they'd sing some hymns in Barbershop harmony. I was delighted, though, that the program included mostly 16th century polyphony. I'm a total geek about old music like that.
I quickly found I could enjoy the music better with my eyes closed. Watching them was rather distracting, since people make weird faces when they sing and there were only four of them with no conductor. No, it was better to close my eyes, my tummy happily full of Chinese food, and let the sound wash over me.
During one particularly peaceful number, I opened my eyes with a start. I was only aware of something because if that something really WAS something, it had just stopped. Could it be? I set to work on feeling as much as I could feel. Closing my eyes, I focused on my torso. Soon enough, I felt it again: little butterflies, like that feeling you get in your stomach, only this was far, far too low to be in my stomach.
Maybe it's my dinner? When I focused enough, I could feel a few digestive processes. This was not digestion. The butterflies continued a few more minutes, gently tickling my insides, below my navel and at least a few inches back. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "I may be crazy," I wrote to Erich, "but I think Wrigley likes this music!" Erich raised his eyebrows and made a "kicking" gesture with two fingers. "Butterflies!" I wrote. That's the best way I can think to describe it.
I wouldn't have posted this today for fear of being thought an overly-imaginative, crazy-type person, but I'm more and more convinced that I felt our little baby moving around. I have several reasons for this thinking:
By the way, I'm aware that it's quite unlikely that Wrigley could actually hear and enjoy the music. Soon enough, though.
I quickly found I could enjoy the music better with my eyes closed. Watching them was rather distracting, since people make weird faces when they sing and there were only four of them with no conductor. No, it was better to close my eyes, my tummy happily full of Chinese food, and let the sound wash over me.
During one particularly peaceful number, I opened my eyes with a start. I was only aware of something because if that something really WAS something, it had just stopped. Could it be? I set to work on feeling as much as I could feel. Closing my eyes, I focused on my torso. Soon enough, I felt it again: little butterflies, like that feeling you get in your stomach, only this was far, far too low to be in my stomach.
Maybe it's my dinner? When I focused enough, I could feel a few digestive processes. This was not digestion. The butterflies continued a few more minutes, gently tickling my insides, below my navel and at least a few inches back. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "I may be crazy," I wrote to Erich, "but I think Wrigley likes this music!" Erich raised his eyebrows and made a "kicking" gesture with two fingers. "Butterflies!" I wrote. That's the best way I can think to describe it.
I wouldn't have posted this today for fear of being thought an overly-imaginative, crazy-type person, but I'm more and more convinced that I felt our little baby moving around. I have several reasons for this thinking:
- I can be pretty attuned to my uterus when I concentrate. I remain convinced that I felt implantation in my last two pregnancies.
- 15 weeks is early for a first-time mom to feel movement, but not too early to feel anything at all. For example, I never fancied at 10 or 11 weeks that I felt something. That makes me think I might not be crazy this time.
- I have heard movement described in several ways, including little taps, little bubbles popping, a fish swimming, and of course, butterflies. I wasn't looking for any particular sensation, but I did notice it when in a state of relaxation, relative sensory deprivation, and at a time when my mind wasn't abuzz with random thoughts. Basically, it was as distraction-free as I can imagine!
- I told my mom about this and she's convinced I felt the baby. She felt me move while on jury duty at about 15 weeks (granted, I'm her third child, but that goes to show that 15 weeks isn't too early to feel movement!) and feels it's all come full-circle.
By the way, I'm aware that it's quite unlikely that Wrigley could actually hear and enjoy the music. Soon enough, though.
Third Appointment
Forget second appointment, that's old news. I've now made it to my third appointment, and I have no reason to worry that I won't make it to my fourth!
I was supposed to be seen yesterday by the wonderful Dr. J. I had the earliest appointment time, 9:15, and naively assumed I could make it back home in time for a 10:00 piano lesson. My last couple of morning appointments were indeed pretty fast, but I quickly learned never to assume I won't have to wait forever. The office was swamped when I went in, and I didn't even get to the front of the line until 9:25, when I was told Dr. J had been in surgery and wouldn't be back for at least 20 minutes. The stars seemed aligned against this appointment happening: Erich was supposed to come with me, but he got stuck an extra night out of town for work. I happily rescheduled for today with Dr. B.
Dr. B is the only male doctor in the practice and I hadn't met him until this pregnancy. I'm supposed to rotate through all four doctors, but due to my reschedule I've now seen him twice in three appointments. No biggie! But he is an interesting fellow. Imposing presence, distinct accent (probably Polish), and a quick, direct manner.
We finally got into a room about 30 minutes after the appointment time. My blood pressure had come in at 122/64--my lowest for an office visit during this pregnancy. I was definitely feeling a lot less nervous! I couldn't conjure any meaningful feeling of doubt if I tried. So I've stopped trying. Erich also reported being much more bored than nervous.
Dr. B burst into the room, exclaiming, "Okay! 17 weeks and according to this everything's just perfect!" I liked the "perfect" part, but I wasn't exactly sure where he got the 17 weeks part. Maybe he glanced at my LMP? Oh well. I swelled with pride about my beautiful BP and on-track weight gain as I laid back and got squirted with the gel. Then came the heartbeat! Erich finally got to witness how ordinary it is to hear a baby's heartbeat. He showed us the readout when he found it and it flickered around from 150--149--147--145--148 and it faded away. "It keeps moving!" boomed Dr. B. Yay! He cleaned off the gel, grabbed my arm and lifted me to a seated position. I choose to find this type of behavior amusing. Apparently he can't be bothered with simple directions like, "You can sit up now."
"You've only had one ultrasound?" asked Dr. B. I replied in the affirmative. "Then we'll get you in for another one. And if you want to know the gender, you have to ask!" On our way out he gave me an order for the ultrasound--held at the same imaging center as my ultrasound in April of last year. It had today's date on it but didn't say when to get it done. I asked Dr. B when I should schedule it. And he said in the next week or two. I said, "I'm 15 weeks now, would that be too early?" He replied, "You're actually 16 weeks [seriously, is he making this up?] but that is early. Just call them and schedule it for about 3 weeks or so." Gee, I'm glad I asked!
My next appointment is set for Friday, August 21 at 1:30 with Dr. J. Erich agreed that he doesn't really have to be there (thank goodness for the boring second tri!), especially since he'll definitely be at the "big show," the ultrasound still to-be-scheduled.
I was supposed to be seen yesterday by the wonderful Dr. J. I had the earliest appointment time, 9:15, and naively assumed I could make it back home in time for a 10:00 piano lesson. My last couple of morning appointments were indeed pretty fast, but I quickly learned never to assume I won't have to wait forever. The office was swamped when I went in, and I didn't even get to the front of the line until 9:25, when I was told Dr. J had been in surgery and wouldn't be back for at least 20 minutes. The stars seemed aligned against this appointment happening: Erich was supposed to come with me, but he got stuck an extra night out of town for work. I happily rescheduled for today with Dr. B.
Dr. B is the only male doctor in the practice and I hadn't met him until this pregnancy. I'm supposed to rotate through all four doctors, but due to my reschedule I've now seen him twice in three appointments. No biggie! But he is an interesting fellow. Imposing presence, distinct accent (probably Polish), and a quick, direct manner.
We finally got into a room about 30 minutes after the appointment time. My blood pressure had come in at 122/64--my lowest for an office visit during this pregnancy. I was definitely feeling a lot less nervous! I couldn't conjure any meaningful feeling of doubt if I tried. So I've stopped trying. Erich also reported being much more bored than nervous.
Dr. B burst into the room, exclaiming, "Okay! 17 weeks and according to this everything's just perfect!" I liked the "perfect" part, but I wasn't exactly sure where he got the 17 weeks part. Maybe he glanced at my LMP? Oh well. I swelled with pride about my beautiful BP and on-track weight gain as I laid back and got squirted with the gel. Then came the heartbeat! Erich finally got to witness how ordinary it is to hear a baby's heartbeat. He showed us the readout when he found it and it flickered around from 150--149--147--145--148 and it faded away. "It keeps moving!" boomed Dr. B. Yay! He cleaned off the gel, grabbed my arm and lifted me to a seated position. I choose to find this type of behavior amusing. Apparently he can't be bothered with simple directions like, "You can sit up now."
"You've only had one ultrasound?" asked Dr. B. I replied in the affirmative. "Then we'll get you in for another one. And if you want to know the gender, you have to ask!" On our way out he gave me an order for the ultrasound--held at the same imaging center as my ultrasound in April of last year. It had today's date on it but didn't say when to get it done. I asked Dr. B when I should schedule it. And he said in the next week or two. I said, "I'm 15 weeks now, would that be too early?" He replied, "You're actually 16 weeks [seriously, is he making this up?] but that is early. Just call them and schedule it for about 3 weeks or so." Gee, I'm glad I asked!
My next appointment is set for Friday, August 21 at 1:30 with Dr. J. Erich agreed that he doesn't really have to be there (thank goodness for the boring second tri!), especially since he'll definitely be at the "big show," the ultrasound still to-be-scheduled.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My Sincerest Apologies
I have neglected this blog with real news for too long. But as you've probably gathered from my last three posts, I'm pregnant! And, in fact, I would even go so far as to say I'm expecting a baby. Now that I can look at the first trimester in hindsight, I must say it's been a pretty fun time so far.
Remember this post? Yeah, let's just say I ovulated a few days later and I'm now 14w1d pregnant with our (probably) firstborn. I fully credit my healthy attitude with my relatively early ovulation (CD24!!!) and conception.
As you also probably gathered from the last three posts, we opted to tell our immediate families fairly soon. I was almost five weeks pregnant on Mother's Day when I grunted the news to my siblings on an outing to a Cubs game. Erich chided me for making it sound like I had a terminal illness. Truly, I didn't try too hard to be excited at that point. That's the curse of two miscarriages. And all I felt I had at that point was a handful of positive tests, a good initial hCG level, and a diagnosis of low progesterone (11.2 at about 4.5 weeks).
Luckily, I've found it doesn't take immaculately positive thoughts at all times to make a baby thrive. We were blessed to see and hear the heartbeat at 7w1d. Actually, based on my ovulation it should have measured 7w3d, but I didn't even let this discrepancy bother me. For long. Really, assurances are few and far between in the first tri when you've had two missed miscarriages. I knew our baby was fine at seven weeks, but how could I be sure at nine weeks that nothing had gone wrong? I just had to trust my continuing symptoms and keep going.
11w finally rolled around: my second appointment. I heard that brilliant heartbeat and was super thrilled. We could go ahead and tell the world! But I couldn't shake that feeling that we thought we were in the clear at 11.5w in my first pregnancy and told the world, only to have to untell a few days later. Yes, we hadn't heard the heartbeat in two weeks in that case, but I just couldn't be comfortable with telling a wide circle of people this time before we were in the safety of the second trimester.
And I hit the second trimester this past Saturday. I'm getting bigger, but I've been feeling down about my body. My limbs, butt and face seem to be getting as big as my belly, and I just haven't been feeling really pregnant. We'd been finding it easy enough to wait to tell everyone, so I was almost leaning toward waiting to tell more people till after the third appointment at 15w.
But our little baby is an overachiever and I'm really proud of him/her. You see, I've been cursed this week with the yeastie beastie, which took me to the doctor yesterday. The brilliantly lovely CNP at the office, who I hadn't met yet, checked for the heartbeat. She warned me that the only functioning doppler they had was for later pregnancy, so I shouldn't be alarmed if she couldn't find it. No worries, though! She found it within thirty seconds, thumping away. I am really, really, for serious in the second trimester. This gut I'm developing and this fullness in my lower abdomen is from an actual, living, growing baby.
So now Erich and I are finding it pretty easy to be thoroughly excited. We're starting to accept the reality that we need to start getting our new house ready for a baby, due around January 13. And now I know that my appointment a week from today will be icing on the cake! I think I can stop being nervous every time I go to that office! We're having a baby!
Remember this post? Yeah, let's just say I ovulated a few days later and I'm now 14w1d pregnant with our (probably) firstborn. I fully credit my healthy attitude with my relatively early ovulation (CD24!!!) and conception.
As you also probably gathered from the last three posts, we opted to tell our immediate families fairly soon. I was almost five weeks pregnant on Mother's Day when I grunted the news to my siblings on an outing to a Cubs game. Erich chided me for making it sound like I had a terminal illness. Truly, I didn't try too hard to be excited at that point. That's the curse of two miscarriages. And all I felt I had at that point was a handful of positive tests, a good initial hCG level, and a diagnosis of low progesterone (11.2 at about 4.5 weeks).
Luckily, I've found it doesn't take immaculately positive thoughts at all times to make a baby thrive. We were blessed to see and hear the heartbeat at 7w1d. Actually, based on my ovulation it should have measured 7w3d, but I didn't even let this discrepancy bother me. For long. Really, assurances are few and far between in the first tri when you've had two missed miscarriages. I knew our baby was fine at seven weeks, but how could I be sure at nine weeks that nothing had gone wrong? I just had to trust my continuing symptoms and keep going.
11w finally rolled around: my second appointment. I heard that brilliant heartbeat and was super thrilled. We could go ahead and tell the world! But I couldn't shake that feeling that we thought we were in the clear at 11.5w in my first pregnancy and told the world, only to have to untell a few days later. Yes, we hadn't heard the heartbeat in two weeks in that case, but I just couldn't be comfortable with telling a wide circle of people this time before we were in the safety of the second trimester.
And I hit the second trimester this past Saturday. I'm getting bigger, but I've been feeling down about my body. My limbs, butt and face seem to be getting as big as my belly, and I just haven't been feeling really pregnant. We'd been finding it easy enough to wait to tell everyone, so I was almost leaning toward waiting to tell more people till after the third appointment at 15w.
But our little baby is an overachiever and I'm really proud of him/her. You see, I've been cursed this week with the yeastie beastie, which took me to the doctor yesterday. The brilliantly lovely CNP at the office, who I hadn't met yet, checked for the heartbeat. She warned me that the only functioning doppler they had was for later pregnancy, so I shouldn't be alarmed if she couldn't find it. No worries, though! She found it within thirty seconds, thumping away. I am really, really, for serious in the second trimester. This gut I'm developing and this fullness in my lower abdomen is from an actual, living, growing baby.
So now Erich and I are finding it pretty easy to be thoroughly excited. We're starting to accept the reality that we need to start getting our new house ready for a baby, due around January 13. And now I know that my appointment a week from today will be icing on the cake! I think I can stop being nervous every time I go to that office! We're having a baby!
Email #3
from Susan K
to [close family members]
date Thu, Jun 25, 2009 at 5:40 PM
subject Another Good Day!
Hello, Family!
Today was my first second appointment ever. It certainly felt good not to have it canceled like the others. I was still nervous, however. I was glad to bring along my mom, who helped me talk out my nerves through the inevitable wait. When the doctor finally came in, she set to work right away to find the heartbeat with the Doppler machine. We heard some static right away and I thought I heard a faint beating which could have been my own heartbeat, and she said it might be too early to hear. As she started to look at her watch to check the rate, the wand turned slightly and we heard something much louder. After a little more searching, we heard it! The beautiful swish-swish-swish-swish of a little baby heartbeat. The nice doctor said, "Oh, hello baby!" and we knew it was a good day. The doctor also told me to start looking for a pediatrician. I guess that might be because I'm probably having a baby. Weird!
So we couldn't go straight home after that! We had to celebrate with some shopping. I finally had permission from myself to get my first article of maternity clothing, and can't wait to wear my super comfy, stretchy new capris for the rest of the summer. :)
Can't wait to see you all!
Love,
Susan
to [close family members]
date Thu, Jun 25, 2009 at 5:40 PM
subject Another Good Day!
Hello, Family!
Today was my first second appointment ever. It certainly felt good not to have it canceled like the others. I was still nervous, however. I was glad to bring along my mom, who helped me talk out my nerves through the inevitable wait. When the doctor finally came in, she set to work right away to find the heartbeat with the Doppler machine. We heard some static right away and I thought I heard a faint beating which could have been my own heartbeat, and she said it might be too early to hear. As she started to look at her watch to check the rate, the wand turned slightly and we heard something much louder. After a little more searching, we heard it! The beautiful swish-swish-swish-swish of a little baby heartbeat. The nice doctor said, "Oh, hello baby!" and we knew it was a good day. The doctor also told me to start looking for a pediatrician. I guess that might be because I'm probably having a baby. Weird!
So we couldn't go straight home after that! We had to celebrate with some shopping. I finally had permission from myself to get my first article of maternity clothing, and can't wait to wear my super comfy, stretchy new capris for the rest of the summer. :)
Can't wait to see you all!
Love,
Susan
Email #2
from Susan K
to [close family memberrs]
date Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 11:40 AM
subject Passing Milestones
Hello Family!
I'm pleased to report that I'm officially past the point where my last two pregnancies ended. And what's better is that I'm fairly certain I'm still pregnant! Every time I encounter the mild nausea that just doesn't go away, I have to celebrate a little bit. Every time I have to trudge to my bed to lay down because I'm so fatigued I can't think straight, I'm so happy. My dreams get weirder and more vivid every night. Yay!
I still have my moments, however. I actually went several days last week assuming that the baby had passed away. Perhaps I was too distracted by the move to notice my symptoms as much, but my attitudes and beliefs were that we were doomed again, we'd be back at square one in no time and have start all over again... AGAIN. Irrational, perhaps, but it happens. Erich and I eagerly await my next appointment in two weeks, when we might get to hear the heartbeat again. If there's still a heartbeat. See? It's pessimistic and unlikely, but that's how we think. We can't breathe easy till we get the NEXT reassurance. After the next appointment, we will wait for the next ultrasound. Hopefully then we can sit back and breathe a bit easier, but it's too soon to know just how easily we'll be able to breathe.
So just remember, that's why we still don't consider our news public yet. We'd like to be the ones to tell people, and we want to tell people when we're happy and excited and not still scared pooless that something bad is going to happen any minute. You all know, of course, because you are our closest family and can understand how scared we are and are scared with us. We can't do this alone and appreciate your support no matter what the outcome. For some reason, the thought of having the whole world know long before we're out of the murkiness of the first trimester enhances our fear. Thanks to this stupid History, we just have trouble being plain ol' excited like regular people. So please, bear with us, don't assume anyone else knows that we are expecting, and hopefully come January we'll all be able to joyfully greet our son or daughter, grandson or grandaughter, niece or nephew.
Thank you so much for all your love and support!
Love,
Susan (and Erich)
to [close family memberrs]
date Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 11:40 AM
subject Passing Milestones
Hello Family!
I'm pleased to report that I'm officially past the point where my last two pregnancies ended. And what's better is that I'm fairly certain I'm still pregnant! Every time I encounter the mild nausea that just doesn't go away, I have to celebrate a little bit. Every time I have to trudge to my bed to lay down because I'm so fatigued I can't think straight, I'm so happy. My dreams get weirder and more vivid every night. Yay!
I still have my moments, however. I actually went several days last week assuming that the baby had passed away. Perhaps I was too distracted by the move to notice my symptoms as much, but my attitudes and beliefs were that we were doomed again, we'd be back at square one in no time and have start all over again... AGAIN. Irrational, perhaps, but it happens. Erich and I eagerly await my next appointment in two weeks, when we might get to hear the heartbeat again. If there's still a heartbeat. See? It's pessimistic and unlikely, but that's how we think. We can't breathe easy till we get the NEXT reassurance. After the next appointment, we will wait for the next ultrasound. Hopefully then we can sit back and breathe a bit easier, but it's too soon to know just how easily we'll be able to breathe.
So just remember, that's why we still don't consider our news public yet. We'd like to be the ones to tell people, and we want to tell people when we're happy and excited and not still scared pooless that something bad is going to happen any minute. You all know, of course, because you are our closest family and can understand how scared we are and are scared with us. We can't do this alone and appreciate your support no matter what the outcome. For some reason, the thought of having the whole world know long before we're out of the murkiness of the first trimester enhances our fear. Thanks to this stupid History, we just have trouble being plain ol' excited like regular people. So please, bear with us, don't assume anyone else knows that we are expecting, and hopefully come January we'll all be able to joyfully greet our son or daughter, grandson or grandaughter, niece or nephew.
Thank you so much for all your love and support!
Love,
Susan (and Erich)
Email #1
from Susan K
to [close family members]
date Mon, May 11, 2009 at 10:52 AM
subject hCG
Hello Family!
The results from my second blood draw are in and it's good news so far. The hCG level doubled over two days, as it should, going from 1020 to over 2600. My first appointment was already scheduled for Tuesday, May 26 at 11:00am, and they're now having me come in at 10:30 that day for an ultrasound to make sure everything is going well. I'll be 7 weeks 1 day by my calculations, so if there's a heartbeat, we'll definitely see/hear it then.
We're still hoping and praying that the low progesterone as of 4 weeks 3 days (now supplemented) wasn't a bad sign. I'm 5 weeks today--a looong way to go!
Love,
Susan
[and this follow-up:]
to [close family members]
date Mon, May 11, 2009 at 10:52 AM
subject hCG
Hello Family!
The results from my second blood draw are in and it's good news so far. The hCG level doubled over two days, as it should, going from 1020 to over 2600. My first appointment was already scheduled for Tuesday, May 26 at 11:00am, and they're now having me come in at 10:30 that day for an ultrasound to make sure everything is going well. I'll be 7 weeks 1 day by my calculations, so if there's a heartbeat, we'll definitely see/hear it then.
We're still hoping and praying that the low progesterone as of 4 weeks 3 days (now supplemented) wasn't a bad sign. I'm 5 weeks today--a looong way to go!
Love,
Susan
[and this follow-up:]
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