EDD #2

It's late at night, and I'm going to ramble a bit.

I mentioned the other day that I've been thinking about Vector more often. Well, today was Vector's estimated due date. I have to say, it's a lot easier to deal with the EDD for a child that will never be born while carrying a 15-week baby than it was while still waiting for a baby, like the first time.

After we lost Keiki, and I had to go through the pattern of tests and waiting, tests and waiting, I found myself remembering often just how far along I should be. And then I would get sad and bitter (rinse, repeat...). With Vector that wasn't the case, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I didn't get as attached since I never heard or saw a heartbeat. Perhaps my earlier experience had prepared me for another miscarriage, and, in a sick way, I expected it. I was extremely unhappy that two miscarriages make miscarriage an expected outcome, but I couldn't let that sink my hope for long. It also made a difference knowing we could TTC again virtually right away. After Keiki, I wasn't sure when we'd ever get to TTC again.

Miscarriage #2 was just easier in every way. Physically, the D&C was a piece of cake and I bounced back physically in no time. Emotionally, I think I can pinpoint a time when I completely snapped out of it. Yes, there was a relapse or two into despair, but I didn't lose any ground in emotional growth since the first miscarriage.

And maybe that's why I don't remember my second pregnancy as well, and I certainly don't dwell on it very much. It got swept under the rug relatively easily. And with Wrigley on the way, I haven't spent any time at all in the last few months reflecting on how pregnant I would be if things had turned out differently. There would be no Wrigley if Vector were still with us, and I really, really love my Wrigley.

But still. In a world with no miscarriage I'd have an 11-month-old and a brand-newborn right around now. (It would be unlikely, but both babies could--technically--have made it to term without Keiki negating Vector's existence.) And perhaps we'd have to have stayed in our 2-bedroom apartment a bit longer with two babies sharing a room. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't He? As I've stated before, I don't believe God plans for these things to happen, but He can certainly make good come out of it.

I guess we really have made it out the end of the dark tunnel, because I really wouldn't change anything right now. I'm a mom to three babies, two in heaven and one on the way. And that's totally okay.