Today was the estimated due date for our baby.
I didn't expect today to be emotionally difficult. When we first learned our baby's due date on January 24, I was excited that I was already nine weeks along, and I earmarked August 27th in my mind as the general time of year that our baby would be born. I knew it wouldn't happen on that day. That day is already taken by my sister. :) Only 5% of women deliver on their due date, so I knew I would have a baby anywhere from mid-August to early September. August 27th was a ballpark figure, an idea, not a SUPER SPECIAL DAY.
So as this day approached, I was aware of it looming in the distance, but I didn't give it much thought because I thought I hadn't attached much importance to it. But really, I had. I had thought about how I would be gigantically pregnant in the dog days of summer. I thought about the kinds of clothes I would wear and what the baby would wear. I thought about how I would still have a few months to be able to go outside with the baby without bundling up. Because I had heard that glorious heartbeat, I assumed that by August 27th I would either be big as a house, in labor, or caring for a newborn for the first time.
That dream, as we know, was dashed to pieces only three weeks later. I went to the hospital six months too soon and the pregnancy was over, the baby gone. August 27 went from the symbolic day back to only my sister's birthday. But in the back of my mind, I kept it earmarked. Before I knew about the septum, I hoped, prayed, and even assumed that I would be pregnant again before that day. After everything I went through in five months, I still saw August 27th as the deadline for maximum possible joy. Luckily, I realized I'd have to be extremely fortunate to be blessed again already. (I'm not.)
So, yes, today has been difficult. I tortured myself by reading through chats and emails from before and after the miscarriage. I can't stop thinking about where I should be. Today has been a flood of memories, and while it feels healthy, it certainly doesn't feel good.
I had a chilling moment the other day. I was doing something insignificant and I thought of myself in the future, and I couldn't imagine myself pregnant. I had thoughts like that before I got pregnant the first time. "Other people have babies, but I can't possibly be worthy of something so wonderful," I thought. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I found it hard to believe. After my surgery, I found optimism and hope: I was certain that I would be pregnant again soon and that I would have a baby. But now I feel like that view has fizzled. Pregnancy is for other people; I'm not so lucky.
I know it will happen, but sometimes I don't believe it. Funny how that works.
But enough about me. Today is a day to remember our baby, the baby we will meet in heaven. We love you and we miss you, dear Keiki.
5 comments:
Oh Susan, I'm sorry. I hope it's healing to get past this milestone, and you can find your optimism again. And I hope next year at this time you look back and can't believe how much has changed for the better.
Thinking of you today.
I know just how hard this day is, looking back at it is a reminder of all of that joy that was stolen fro you. Try to think of a special way to mark it.
It is so hard to stay positive, especially on this day, but you'll find you way to motherhood... you will. Be strong, and take good care of yourself.
I'm so sorry :(. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I think you are meant to be a mother and that time will come sooner rather than later!
My thoughts are with you. (((hug)))
I know how tough those EDDs are - whether you think you're ready for it or not. I hope you can find a tiny bit of relief that you made it through the 27th.
You haven't been "lucky" so far, but please know that you WILL be blessed with a baby someday. Some way, some how.
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