Monday, August 11, 2008

Comparison

I don't know why I was thinking about this the other day, but this is a post I had composed in my head shortly after my last surgery that I never got around to writing. But now I feel compelled, so here it is.

This is D&C and Septum Resection: A Comparison

Time of year
D&C: February 18, cold and blustery dead of winter
SR: June 27, gloriously sunny ideal summer day

Time of day
D&C: 6am, dark
SR: 8am, warm promise of a new day

Location
D&C: large hospital, parking garage, multiple wings, etc.
SR: Center for Surgery, not intimidating at all

Nature of Surgery
D&C: general anesthesia, performed via cervix, altering inside of the uterus
SR: same

Surgery preparation
D&C: no food or drink after midnight the night before, IV, pushed around in wheelchair/bed
SR: no food or drink after midnight the night before, IV, walked around myself when awake

Physical effects
D&C: pain, grogginess, feeling of rawness in the womb
SR: same, with slightly more pain

Psychological approach
D&C: sad, end of pregnancy, feeling of necessity to go through with it
SR: happy, joyful, beginning of hope for future pregnancy, spring in my step in the days leading up to it

Psychological effects
D&C: even more sadness in facing the loss, feeling of being thrown into a state of confusion and doubting ability to have children
SR: smile plastered to face, a sense of returning to normal and feeling completely renewed hope in having children


I really feel as though I've returned to normal in many ways. I am forever changed by my experiences, but they haven't destroyed me in any way. A few days ago, something compelled me to pick up and read the journal I wrote in right after my loss. The tears sprang up anew, which was okay because it reminded me that I'm human and will always be affected by my loss. But reading the confusion and doubt that I expressed in that long, cold winter reinforced my hope for the future.

Truth be told, I'm getting a little bit obsessed with TTC, but not in a totally crazy way. I'm enjoying learning about my body yet hoping not to have to wait too long before I'm expecting again. But, TTC is not the topic of this blog, so I'll leave you here. I just wanted to say, now that it's been six weeks since my surgery, that I am very happy and hopeful!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this blog. I began my own journey down this same road in June. Since that time I've gone from never having heard of the term mullerian anomaly, to being all too well aware.

Unlike many other writings involving MAs,
I found your blog to be overwhelmingly positive and uplifting. It provided me with hope when all I could feel was a sense of loss.
I too have since had my septum resected and I am now on my journey to TTC again.

I was reflecting on my own experience the other day, and thinking of how my outlook on pregnancy and conception has forever been changed. I once heard that experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. I think the phrase is very fitting, and although I would have much rather experienced a happy pregnancy the first go round, I am instead left with a new appreciation for life around me.