The Middle

Continued from "The Beginning"...

Sunday morning, sure enough, the two pink lines were almost equal in darkness and opacity. We were definitely pregnant.

I set about trying to figure out just how long I had been pregnant. Doctors usually count from the last menstrual period (LMP), and mine was October 29. But since I was decidedly NOT pregnant as late as December 3, that method was already out the window. I pretended that I got a period on November 29, even though I didn't, and figured I was probably only about 5 weeks along. I called my doctor, got a recommendation for an ob/gyn, sat on hold for the longest time, and finally got an appointment. They told me they don't usually see pregnant women until they're about six weeks along, so I figured I was safe with an appointment for January 22.

Erich and I decided not to tell anyone until after the first doctor appointment. That's just smart, right? And anyway, we were still very much getting used to the idea. Couples who TTC for months or even years before that positive result are probably generally elated when it finally happens. We were extremely happy and excited, but we were also caught off-guard. Naturally, we needed some time to get used to the idea before excitedly calling all our family and closest friends. But I soon realized that my mom might ask about my cycle directly, in which case I'd have to tell her. We just share everything like that. Sure enough, she asked only a few days later if AF had been to visit and I told her "the situation has rectified itself" and "we're not announcing anything yet ;)" She was very excited, and I was glad that someone else knew, but a big part of me still held back.

I still just couldn't believe it! But I had no choice but to accept what was going on. I share the wish of many pregnant women that there were some way to actually feel the baby growing inside, even when it's still very small. I had to find other ways to make it real. I bought new books: the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and In the Womb, which is based on a National Geographic TV special. Even reading about the pregnancy was difficult because I still didn't know how far along I was. Between weeks 6 and 8 the embryo goes from looking like a grotesque tadpole to a pudgy little humanoid alien. Reading books, like Google, couldn't actually tell me what was going on in my own body.

Meanwhile, the questions continued to swirl. If I was going to be due in early September, this was going to affect my work as a church musician, as I was going to be expected to fill in for a coworker's sabbatical in September. I fretted over this matter for several weeks, even though I knew no one would be mad at me for having a baby and it wasn't my job to figure it out. I also fretted about all the drinking I had done over the holidays. Granted, it was almost all in moderation--not more than one or two drinks a day and not even every day, but I still worried I had done something to permanently damage my baby's development. I felt guilty that I had had no idea I was pregnant and failed to see any signs.

It was hard to wait those two weeks for the first doctor appointment, but we made it. We told our families, I had an exam, and everything seemed normal. I was lucky enough to have an ultrasound only two days later to determine a due date. We were then shocked to find out the baby already measured 9 weeks and 1 day! That sure beat my estimate of 7 weeks. We saw the little baby bouncing around on the screen, and we heard the heartbeat! Erich and I told ourselves that this ultrasound experience should make it real for us, and we chose to believe ourselves. I was carrying a new life, our son or daughter, due on August 27th.

Not too long after that first appointment, my crushing fatigue seemed to lift gradually. I was relieved--I finally felt like I could be useful again! My belly also grew. I knew it was mostly bloat due to slowed digestion and all that wonderful stuff, but it was exciting. I ordered a Bella Band and started thinking about maternity clothes. I started telling people at church so that alternate plans could be made for my maternity leave. Soon, most people at church knew. I decided to keep waiting before telling my piano students. There was no need to tell everyone in the world until they could tell by looking at me, or at least until I was safely into the second trimester.

Erich and I started thinking about all the ways our lives would change by the end of the summer. Travel plans, finances, we discussed and planned away. We wondered whether our baby was a boy or girl (I thought maybe boy) and decided that we would like to find out at the next ultrasound. I thought about all the things I would do when I got bigger, like start knitting booties, take pictures of my belly, shop for maternity clothes, start a registry for showers. But I stopped short of actually doing any of these things. I didn't want to get ahead of myself.

We eventually felt that the time had come to tell our news to our wider circle of friends, even though we were just over a week shy of our 13-week doctor appointment. I announced it in my other blog. I put "pregnant" as my status on facebook. We emailed people. I told my closest friends either in person or in personal emails. We received many congratulations, and I felt I had finally gotten used to this pregnancy idea. It was finally really really REALLY real.

To be continued...