The Beginning

My husband, Erich, and I have been talking about having kids since our relationship became serious, over two years ago. We both knew we wanted to get married and have kids relatively soon, rather than me pursuing a career and putting off kids until we had a house. Actually, we arrived at these decisions after several series of discussions. We don't overplan--but we like to plan, and we really liked knowing we were on the same page throughout our relationship. The fact that we agreed on almost everything seemed like an excellent reason to get married!

Several months before our wedding last September, we decided that we "wouldn't prevent" for any amount of time after we were married. I had been on birth control pills (BCP) for about five years for various reasons and had no idea how my body would react when I stopped taking them. I wouldn't have been surprised or disappointed if it took six months to get pregnant. So I stopped taking BCP shortly after our wedding and never looked back. The first cycle off the pill was weird. My emotions were all over the place (so much so that my mom accused me more than once of being pregnant because I would tear up at the slightest provocation) and odd things happened throughout my body. Surprisingly, my skin did not get noticeably worse, and acne was the main reason I went on the pill in the first place.

With my emotions in the air due to hormonal adjustments and a big life change--hey, I finally got to live with my husband!--I got a little bit obsessed about my cycle. It was irregular before I went on BCP; now I was wondering how long it would be. I wondered when I would ovulate. I counted days, and when 28 passed, I started Googling pregnancy symptoms like crazy. Shockingly, Google could not tell me if I was pregnant yet. Finally, on October 29 after 31 days, I got my period, and it seemed normal. I was relieved that my body seemed to know what to do on its own.

In the following weeks, I stayed a little bit obsessed about my cycle, the fertile window, and when or whether I would get another period. I plugged my cycle length into ovulation predictor websites which give ovulation dates based on averages. But I really was trying not to obsess. (Really.) Cycle day 29 came and went but I was feeling a few symptoms that may be described as early pregnancy, so I took a home pregnancy test. Negative. Day 31 and no period. Test: negative. Two days later, no sign of Aunt Flow (AF), negative test result. I was angry at my body for being irregular and unpredictable, and while I still counted my cycle days, I refused to do anything else to make me think too much about cycles, fertility, pregnancy. There were better things to focus on as a married woman of less than three months.

As Christmas approached, I really did keep my mind off childbearing and found it to be much healthier. I was actually glad not to be pregnant yet, as Erich was still working to get me on his company's health insurance plan. Plus, there is much to be said about being a family of two for a while. There's no going back once the kids start showing up. I drank beer occasionally, I lived my life as I normally do, not seeing myself as someone who was "Trying to Conceive." I fooled myself into thinking it was highly unlikely I would get pregnant for a while since my cycle was irregular. I counted off the days with no period...40...50...60. I thought maybe my previous cycle was actually normal but simply lacked a period. One of my sessions with Mr. Google told me that was possible. I decided to be prepared for AF when we went to visit the in-laws for Christmas. I was feeling pretty sure of my intuition, especially since I was starting to feel some PMS symptoms.

Christmas came and went, New Year's came and went (with a few associated parties involving some immoderate drinking) and in the few days after New Year's, I was utterly exhausted. I mean, it's like me to feel some holiday let-down, but I spent two full days sitting and doing nothing but watching TV and sleeping in our La-Z-Boy love seat and I truly felt like I could not drag myself up. And I was nearing 70 days without a period. This was getting ridiculous. And this is when I finally allowed myself to consider the possibility that I was pregnant. I kept my suspicions to myself, as I didn't want Erich to think I was getting obsessed again.

That Saturday, January 5, Erich and I ran a few errands and stopped last at Jewell, where we picked up some ingredients to make homemade spaghetti sauce and have a nice dinner at home (including a bottle of wine). I walked over to the home pregnancy tests with Erich and shared my suspicions. First Response two-packs were on sale. "Let's just rule it out," I said in a blasé fashion. I really didn't think I was pregnant. "Okay," said Erich, in a tone that plainly said, "You can go ahead and waste $10 if you really need to for your own peace of mind."

We took our groceries home, I took the pregnancy test into the bathroom, did my thing. I didn't even wait a minute before I called out to Erich, "Told you! Negative." But I picked it up and brought it out to him and right before our eyes, the second line darkened just a teeny bit. My first reaction was denial, but I know that even a very faint line is a positive (thanks again, Google). Our eyes grew wide as we stared at each other, mouths agape. "We'll test again in the morning," we kept saying, knowing that "first morning urine" has more of the hormone in it.

We couldn't sit still the rest of the evening. The overriding emotion was disbelief. That was easy! Almost TOO easy! How long have I been pregnant? Oh no, I've been drinking for weeks! And I have to find an ob/gyn! I have to call my doctor right away!...on Monday! I tried to quiet my mind, but it didn't work too well. Erich and I had a brand new secret that only we knew, and we wanted to both shout it to the world and keep it to ourselves forever....

More to come.