A Decision

My hysterosonogram is getting closer, and I'm trying to muster up some excitement. It's difficult, though, because I don't expect to get a lot of new information and I'll certainly have to do more waiting afterward. It will be nice to have a final word (I hope) from Dr. M and to find out whether/when I may have surgery this summer. Beyond that, this is yet another step, and I don't expect to feel much different after the procedure than I do now.

My moods and feelings have evolved in interesting ways in the last four months. Right after the miscarriage, I was so anxious to try again. It felt like I had to make up for lost time. I no longer feel that way: I now want to be pregnant again because of my pure desire to be a mother. It felt good to turn over that leaf, as though my grief had come to completion. I still get sad and cry over the baby I lost, but I can function again, and it feels good.

Another way my feelings have evolved is in regards to transparency. Having been active on thenestbaby.com, where perfect strangers share all, I got into a mindset that I'll be open and up front about our TTC journey on this blog. Last time, we cautiously waited to tell family and friends about our BFP, but it was still too soon. On the other hand, I was glad people knew, as we received so much support from said family and friends. We felt bolstered by their thoughts and prayers, and for that we are still grateful. So, I thought we wouldn't wait at all to tell at least our families next time we get that BFP. The more people we had praying for us and our baby, the better, I thought.

Erich has been of a different mind all along, and now I fully agree with him. We are jaded. We have lost the innocence that goes along with being first-time parents. Not only do I worry that it will be difficult to get pregnant again, I also dread that second pink line. It signifies so much that could be and so much that could be lost. We had no choice but to share our grief last time, but if, God forbid, there should be another loss, we would prefer to limit the number of people who know about it.

So the decision is this: if and when my uterus is ready for pregnancy, this blog will have served its purpose. Posting won't necessarily stop, but it will probably slow as we move on to the next stage. I plan to resume posting when I'm pregnant again, but only after we feel comfortable announcing it to our family and friends, which may be after I'm out of the first trimester.

As soon as we're TTC, I'm going to stop drinking, I'll cut back on caffeine, and I'm going to eat and behave as though I'm pregnant so that no one IRL will actually know if I am. We don't wish to be secretive or anything, but we have learned that "being pregnant" and "expecting a baby" are two very different things.

I'll let you know when we are expecting a baby.