The Septum Resection

My life is filled with hope again.

Yesterday morning, Erich and I arose around 7am after I had bad dreams that I was eating and drinking in the morning when I was not supposed to. I was glad to wake up and realize that I did not disobey the rules for anesthesia. :) We arrived at the Center for Surgery around 8:20--10 minutes early. I got called back about 20 minutes later, gave a urine specimen (giggle), changed into the oh-so-flattering hospital gown and got an IV. The nurses at this surgery center are very skilled. I could barely feel the IV in my hand! I appreciated that. I also had my blood pressure checked a few times, and the cuff totally squeezed too hard the first time, and I have streaks of broken capillaries on my upper arm. Yay, battle wounds!

Erich got to sit with me for the last 30 minutes while I waited to go in for my 9:30 procedure. The nurses were more anxious for Dr. M to arrive than I was. They seemed a little uptight, but I'll take that over careless any day. Then again, he did kinda swoop in at the last minute. He explained the procedure again and told me what to expect afterwards then went to get ready. I was walked to the OR and got on the table. Soon after the anesthesiologist told me she was putting the sleepy-time drug in my IV, my arm felt that familiar tingly discomfort, and that's the last thing I remember.

Before I was aware of anything, Dr. M went out to show Erich pictures of the procedure and described how everything went. (I scanned these pictures already, but I'm going to tease you, Scheherezade-style, and post them later. ;) Shortly after I came to, a nurse brought Erich to the recovery room. Remembering that first half-hour or so is like remembering a dream. Last night, I kept saying things to Erich like, "I had a tube in my nose!" and "You fed me ice chips!" [ETA: "I ate crackers!"] I thought I was awake, but MAN was I drugged.

During the procedure, saline was pumped into my uterus to keep it inflated (for lack of a better word) to give Dr. M room to work. My body absorbed that saline, and a catheter drained it out through my urinary tract. The nurses would not release me until I had passed enough fluid. So while we were waiting, my recovery nurse went on lunch, and I got another one, who was very concerned about sending me home with written recovery instructions. She went out to go find Dr. M and I heard her say to him, "Susan K---- has a few questions for you." And I was like, "huh?" So when he came in and looked at me expectantly, I explained that the nurses just wanted him to give me instructions again. He nodded and said, "My instructions are to go home." Heh heh. But he reminded me of what he had said earlier while the nurse wrote it down on my discharge sheet. Basically, I can't take a bath for a few days. Whatever.

We got home a little before 1pm. I pretty much relaxed on our La-Z-Boy loveseat, watching Pride & Prejudice (BBC version) and the Cubs (who LOST, boooo) while Erich tried to remember that I was recovering and not just being lazy. Kidding; he did a great job. There was moderate bleeding, but I'm pleased to report that there is now next to none! Last night, I stepped on the scale (I weigh myself far too often) and was horrified to see that I gained six pounds in a day. Then Erich reminded me, "Baby, you drank saltwater through your uterus!" Oh yeah. That's why my eyes are half-closed from puffiness. :)

Today I'm less puffy, but I've had more pain as the anesthesia has entirely worn off, and I'm afraid I may have overdone it a bit when Erich and I went out to run a few errands. But I have some Darvocet which they had already called in for me (and which I definitely WON'T be taking more than I need to--I hate that drugged feeling), and after relaxing for the rest of the afternoon, I'm feeling generally pretty good.

So I believe we can now consider my womb improved. I started reading Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy again today. I want to get a good start for our next baby! :)

A Letter

Dear Septum,

You don't know how long I've been waiting to tell you my feelings. See, even though you've been with me all my life, I never really understood what you meant to me until recently.

You've been pretty quiet all this time. No offense, but I didn't even know you existed. In fact, I found out from Google that you were supposed to disappear before I was born. I won't say I'm offended that you wanted to stick around and make a home in my uterus; it's just that you weren't really invited, were you? Kudos to you for some Grade A squatting. You basically lived rent-free for 25 years, and that's no small feat.

I understand you might have felt a bit threatened when you got a roommate in the uterus. But, Septum, you need to realize that you had overstayed your welcome. The uterus is supposed to be a place for a baby, and you just couldn't let go. You refused to budge and the roommate had no choice but to leave. Was that right? In your heart of inadequately vascularized fibrous hearts, you knew that was not the best choice.

You had one chance, Septum, and you blew it. That's why I invited a surgeon to slice and vaporize you into oblivion. So this is my farewell to you, O Uterine Septum. I hardly knew you, yet you made an impression on my life that will never go away. I won't miss you.

Sincerely,

Your Former Landlady

The Next Biggest Viral Video

....NOT. I tried to make Erich watch this, and he just couldn't quite stomach it. Me? I found it fascinating. That's a little weird because I'm the one who can't watch a needle go into my skin.

Thanks to Google (we're friends again after our love/hate relationship), I found these totally awesome videos of real, live septum resections. It's what they're going to do to me tomorrow!

Enjoy:

http://www.layyous.com/root%20folder/hysteroscopy_videoclips.htm



Also, Dr. M still rocks my world. I had a few questions for him, so I sent them to him electronically through his really cool website, and he called me back yesterday evening and cheerfully answered them all in detail. I think he may be the best doctor I've ever had for anything. :)

The Hysterosonogram

Thank you to everyone who left me a comment, both here and on Facebook. It's humbling to have so many people pulling for me and my little ute!

I feel compelled to post in detail about my experience, as in days of yore.

As you've probably gathered from my preceding posts, I was not feeling particularly excited about my saline u/s. I was annoyed that my last cycle was so long, which delayed scheduling the test that I was absolutely certain would tell me what I already knew. And then, I was sure I would have to wait another cycle to schedule surgery, and just to tease me, my body would come up with an even longer cycle to make me wait through. All I saw was more waiting, so it was definitely difficult to muster up excitement for one short and possibly painful stirrup experience.

But by Sunday night, I was excited. Dr. M just exudes knowledge and experience, and I was so glad that he was finally going to be the one looking at my insides. The procedure was all I had on my schedule for Monday, and I was finally looking forward to it.

I showed up a few minutes early, and promptly had to wait another 20 minutes before getting into the exam room. But hey, what's 20 minutes after four months? A nice assistant who didn't tell me her name escorted me to the bathroom, where I emptied my bladder, and then to the exam room, where I was glad I hadn't brought along Erich or my mom. There would have been no room for anyone else! I hopped up on the table and covered my lower half with the paper sheet. Now, as much as my modesty has gradually flown out the window since I found out I was pregnant, it's still difficult to greet people wearing nothing below the waist--and then have those same people do things like visualize my cervix and insert instruments. Just makes me feel like I deserve some flowers or something; that's all I'm saying.

The catheterization was no picnic, but it was nothing compared to my HSG. I think the radiologist had a "get it over with" style whereas Dr. M was "steady as she goes." Much better for pain management. Within minutes, he was performing the internal ultrasound and I could watch on a little screen right by my face. Before he injected the fluid, he gave his prediction that I have a uterine septum and not bicornuate. Very little after that surprised me.

The saline felt weird, a little like peeing in reverse. On the ultrasound, the saline showed up as bright white and the walls of my uterus were dark. Dr. M very skillfully moved the probe and pointed out to me the division in my uterus. As he moved the image upward he pointed out how the two sides of the cavity get narrower and further apart as the septum broadens near the top. Then he slowed down at the point where the fundus of the uterus filled the screen. He had me note how it was solid and dark from one side to the other and told me that if it were bicornuate, there would be some open space across the middle. He told me that the two sides join at the bottom and I have only one cervix. It just seemed so clear and so simple. I know from my research that I have every reason to be extremely grateful that Dr. M is so knowledgeable and experienced, yet it seemed like any doctor should know this. Knowing that so many other women go through much more just to get a simple diagnosis like mine... well, let's just say I'm very grateful.

And just like that, it was over. I sat up and Dr. M mentioned the hysteroscopy and I was like, "sign me up!" so he asked where I was in my cycle. I told him day 12, and while he thought about that I told him that I take my temperature every morning, and even though I know that's not the best way to pinpoint ovulation, I think it's pretty clear that I ovulate late. "How late?" he asked. I told him Fertility Friend put it at day 25 last cycle. He said, "Oh that would be fine. Let's see if I have any openings this Friday." I was delighted and just a teensy bit incredulous. I had no idea it would all happen this fast! He gave me that professional smile that seemed to say, "I know how much of a difference this makes to you to have this done so soon." I was so excited but not yet getting my hopes up for surgery this week.

But after I reclothed myself and walked out to the common area, the nice nameless assistant gave me the same knowing smile and told me they would call me to let me know what time my procedure would be this Friday. It was all I could do to keep from clicking my heels. I got a bunch of PNV samples and went on my way. About half an hour later, they called me to confirm surgery for 9:30am this Friday.

I'm still just so happy I don't know what to do with myself. In less than two days my septum may be completely gone! We could be TTC by next month!

And I have learned through all this that God's time is best. Thanks to my long cycles, I can have surgery this week. Thanks to my last cycle ending when it did, I could schedule the test for just the right time to be free for surgery before it's too late in this cycle. And I'm glad I take my temperature and know that I ovulate late, and I'm glad Dr. M is a great doctor who took me at my word. And best of all, I have learned the extremely important virtue of patience.

Hysterosonogram: Done

Bad news: I have an abnormal uterus. (But we already knew that!)


Okay news: the abnormality is definitely a uterine septum, and not bicornuate. (We were pretty sure of that.)


Absolutely fantastic news, deserving all-caps:

I AM GOING TO HAVE SURGERY THIS FRIDAY TO FIX MY UTERUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Patience, my friends. Patience pays off. After more than four long months of waiting, waiting, and more waiting, I'm finally, officially, on my way. I feel so grateful (thank you, God!), relieved (aaahhhhh), happy (HOORAY!!), and if you looked those words up in a thesaurus I'd feel all those other words too.

I don't think anything could spoil my day now. :)

Excitement

Okay, I'm starting to get pretty excited. Less than 18 hours until my hysterosonogram/hsg/sonohysterogram/shg/saline ultrasound/whatever you wanna call it.

Bring on the saline and tell me what I want to hear!

A Decision

My hysterosonogram is getting closer, and I'm trying to muster up some excitement. It's difficult, though, because I don't expect to get a lot of new information and I'll certainly have to do more waiting afterward. It will be nice to have a final word (I hope) from Dr. M and to find out whether/when I may have surgery this summer. Beyond that, this is yet another step, and I don't expect to feel much different after the procedure than I do now.

My moods and feelings have evolved in interesting ways in the last four months. Right after the miscarriage, I was so anxious to try again. It felt like I had to make up for lost time. I no longer feel that way: I now want to be pregnant again because of my pure desire to be a mother. It felt good to turn over that leaf, as though my grief had come to completion. I still get sad and cry over the baby I lost, but I can function again, and it feels good.

Another way my feelings have evolved is in regards to transparency. Having been active on thenestbaby.com, where perfect strangers share all, I got into a mindset that I'll be open and up front about our TTC journey on this blog. Last time, we cautiously waited to tell family and friends about our BFP, but it was still too soon. On the other hand, I was glad people knew, as we received so much support from said family and friends. We felt bolstered by their thoughts and prayers, and for that we are still grateful. So, I thought we wouldn't wait at all to tell at least our families next time we get that BFP. The more people we had praying for us and our baby, the better, I thought.

Erich has been of a different mind all along, and now I fully agree with him. We are jaded. We have lost the innocence that goes along with being first-time parents. Not only do I worry that it will be difficult to get pregnant again, I also dread that second pink line. It signifies so much that could be and so much that could be lost. We had no choice but to share our grief last time, but if, God forbid, there should be another loss, we would prefer to limit the number of people who know about it.

So the decision is this: if and when my uterus is ready for pregnancy, this blog will have served its purpose. Posting won't necessarily stop, but it will probably slow as we move on to the next stage. I plan to resume posting when I'm pregnant again, but only after we feel comfortable announcing it to our family and friends, which may be after I'm out of the first trimester.

As soon as we're TTC, I'm going to stop drinking, I'll cut back on caffeine, and I'm going to eat and behave as though I'm pregnant so that no one IRL will actually know if I am. We don't wish to be secretive or anything, but we have learned that "being pregnant" and "expecting a baby" are two very different things.

I'll let you know when we are expecting a baby.

CD 2

This has been a rough cycle, folks. Very long--38 days. But at long last, my favorite auntie has come to town and today I scheduled my hysterosonogram.

June 23 at 1:15.

Time to wait!

OMG, Cyanide and Happiness

I like this comic. Sometimes it flies over my head, but most times it just puts me in stitches. I read today's and first said, "Whaaaa?" and then I was like, "Oh I get it, people can be rude in insensitive. I know what that's like!"

Enjoy. (You'll have to click on it, which will take you to the site so that you can actually read it.)


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

ETA: Tim helped clarify the genesis of this comic for me in his comment. Still funny, I think. :)

All I ever do is wait

The day after I made my last post, Fertility Friend decided that I ovulated on CD23, so at least I'm in the latter part of my cycle now. So AF is due around Monday, which puts the CD6-12 window for the saline ultrasound... (drum roll)... simultaneous with my trip to Galena, IL! Hooray! (NOT.) But, I know I'll be able to work around it. At the very least, I can beg them to let me do it the next week, since I ovulate so freaking late. On the other hand, I want this done ASAP. I guess I'll just see when dear auntie rears her ugly head.

In other news, I recently read about someone (whose screen name will go unmentioned) who just had an MRI to diagnose an MA. She is, get this, hoping for bicornuate because, GET THIS, she doesn't want surgery! I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. For a recap:

Septum:

• up to 90% miscarriage rate
• easily treated with simple, non-invasive surgery and short recovery time
  
• normal post-op miscarriage rate with no other increased pregnancy risks

Bicornuate:

• miscarriage rate 40-60%
• only surgery to treat is horribly invasive and not usually ordered (and when it is, you sit and cross your fingers, hoping scar tissue won't make you infertile)
  
• heightened risks of preterm labor, intrauterine growth restriction, cervical incompetence, and breech presentation, necessitating c-section

Everyone has a right to want what they want out of their own bodies. But as for me and my uterus, I pray for septum.