Progress

I've been really depressed all week. I know much of it was due to jetlag, being away from Erich, and apprehension about the HSG. As thrilled as I was to schedule it, once it sank in that it was so close, I started getting very nervous about the next step. I realized that there was still a chance that my uterus could be normal, or there would be a clear problem (like a clearly divided uterus indicating SU or BU), or much worse, inconclusive. And lo and behold, I've got a big fat inconclusive as of immediately after the test.

So I felt really down about it all day. And even though the initial cramping went away when the liquid drained out (thank you, leftover extra-huge miscarriage maxi pads), a general feeling of crampiness and gassiness returned and did nothing to help my mental state. (And neither did the dark and rain that persisted outside!) I let the feeling of hopelessness wash over me. Though I still officially didn't know anything, I started thinking my uterus is just inhospitable to pregnancy and always will be. Not a happy thought at all.

My best option was to consult Google, with whom I have a love/hate relationship. It's good for finding out about things about which I have no knowledge, and it's abysmal at personal diagnosis. But I needed something--anything--to grab onto. And I'm glad I did. I googled "uterus tipped side" and got results, enough to know it does happen. That fact was enough to remind me that I'm not a health professional, and even though I've gotten to be pretty knowledgeable about MAs, there are plenty of other possibilities as to what my problem may be (if anything).

As Erich helped articulate for me, it's a fine line between being an advocate for my own care and trusting the professionals to come up with real answers. Luckily, I have to wait only 3-5 days for results. I believe that's short enough for me to be able to stave off excessive googling and speculation. After all, there's still a chance that I'm normal.




(But if I'm normal, why did I have a miscarriage??)