We're back from the ultrasound. No heartbeat. No baby, actually. Just an empty gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring around six weeks. That would explain the low progesterone. And now there's no hope left for this one. D&C is tomorrow.
Merry f***ing Christmas.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Bump in the Road
I got up to a very strange voicemail today: it was nurse Laurie from the doctors' office. She said something about how my blood work results came in and she was "really confused" about something and that I need to call her back right away. So I did.
She informed me that my progesterone is low and needs to be supplemented. I tried not to go into panic mode as the questions flooded my mind. Low progesterone is not good, but if it were a problem, I'd already know about it, right? I'd have spotting and cramping and I'd know that I were losing the pregnancy, right? The reason Laurie was confused was because according to my chart I was already 11 weeks along and I had only just now had my progesterone tested, even though I had had a miscarriage and should have come in for a progesterone check within a week after my missed period. OH, NOW YOU TELL ME. Bugger. Okay, does it help that I'm actually not quite nine weeks along? Hmmm. It was hard to ask her many questions, as she seemed to be semi-frantically trying to figure out my situation. I would only be on progesterone for two more weeks! Well, at least until my next appointment. Yes, I could come in for a sample right away and fill my prescription right away and that will help.
At this point, I had to cut in with questions. I was still stuck on, "It's low?" It just would not compute in my layperson's brain. How could it be low? So I asked what's normal. She told me normal is around 20, and mine was 8.72. YIKES. That just didn't sound good. But I keep telling myself that if it were a big problem, I would already know about it. And as soon as we see that heartbeat on Monday, we'll be in the clear, right? RIGHT??
Laurie urged me to come in immediately for a sample to use right away and for my prescription to fill, again, right away. I still hadn't showered. Erich was home for a snow day. While I showered and struggled to remain clear headed, Erich googled progesterone levels during pregnancy. When I came downstairs again, he showed me a chart that said normal for the first trimester was 9-42. Quite the range, and I was just below the low end. And progesterone levels can fluctuate. I'm probably fine...probably, hopefully.
I fishtailed through four inches of slush to the doctors' office. I picked up my sample and prescription and asked to talked to a doctor or nurse about this. She managed to pull Laurie away from the phone and I asked her some more questions. I can't even remember what all I asked, but I wanted to know how much I should worry. "Not at all," she assured me. Well, her words assured me, but her face and manner were so serious! I asked what kind of signs I would have that something was already going wrong. She answered, "Cramping and spotting." I remembered some crampy feelings I had had the other night. They weren't painful, but they gave me pause. "Some cramping can be normal," she said. Gee, thanks. She told me again to use the sample right away and fill the prescription TODAY. Yes, ma'am. And if I get pregnant again, come in right away for a blood test. Thanks for all the hope you're showing in THIS pregnancy.
I filled my prescription. I'm now on Crinone vaginal cream inserts. We'll see how this goes.
She informed me that my progesterone is low and needs to be supplemented. I tried not to go into panic mode as the questions flooded my mind. Low progesterone is not good, but if it were a problem, I'd already know about it, right? I'd have spotting and cramping and I'd know that I were losing the pregnancy, right? The reason Laurie was confused was because according to my chart I was already 11 weeks along and I had only just now had my progesterone tested, even though I had had a miscarriage and should have come in for a progesterone check within a week after my missed period. OH, NOW YOU TELL ME. Bugger. Okay, does it help that I'm actually not quite nine weeks along? Hmmm. It was hard to ask her many questions, as she seemed to be semi-frantically trying to figure out my situation. I would only be on progesterone for two more weeks! Well, at least until my next appointment. Yes, I could come in for a sample right away and fill my prescription right away and that will help.
At this point, I had to cut in with questions. I was still stuck on, "It's low?" It just would not compute in my layperson's brain. How could it be low? So I asked what's normal. She told me normal is around 20, and mine was 8.72. YIKES. That just didn't sound good. But I keep telling myself that if it were a big problem, I would already know about it. And as soon as we see that heartbeat on Monday, we'll be in the clear, right? RIGHT??
Laurie urged me to come in immediately for a sample to use right away and for my prescription to fill, again, right away. I still hadn't showered. Erich was home for a snow day. While I showered and struggled to remain clear headed, Erich googled progesterone levels during pregnancy. When I came downstairs again, he showed me a chart that said normal for the first trimester was 9-42. Quite the range, and I was just below the low end. And progesterone levels can fluctuate. I'm probably fine...probably, hopefully.
I fishtailed through four inches of slush to the doctors' office. I picked up my sample and prescription and asked to talked to a doctor or nurse about this. She managed to pull Laurie away from the phone and I asked her some more questions. I can't even remember what all I asked, but I wanted to know how much I should worry. "Not at all," she assured me. Well, her words assured me, but her face and manner were so serious! I asked what kind of signs I would have that something was already going wrong. She answered, "Cramping and spotting." I remembered some crampy feelings I had had the other night. They weren't painful, but they gave me pause. "Some cramping can be normal," she said. Gee, thanks. She told me again to use the sample right away and fill the prescription TODAY. Yes, ma'am. And if I get pregnant again, come in right away for a blood test. Thanks for all the hope you're showing in THIS pregnancy.
I filled my prescription. I'm now on Crinone vaginal cream inserts. We'll see how this goes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The First Appointment
I had my first appointment today and it went really well! It really made feel excited about this pregnancy, and that I should actually expect to have a baby next July.
Erich was able to go with me, which was awesome. We had to wait a while, as usual, and then I was called in for a weight/BP/urine check with a nurse. She used the little useless wheel calendar to determine my due date based on my LMP: July 11. Not gonna happen, but she wasn't allowed to go by anything other than LMP. She gave me an order for standard blood work, and I went back to wait. Even though I hadn't been looking forward to returning to this office for the first time since my D&C follow-up, the more I sat there, the better I felt about everything. I'm pregnant, it's early, and I was there for my first appointment. One day at a time. Big whoop.
Before too long, Erich and I were called back to wait in an exam room for Dr. P. On our way, the nurse stopped me to reclaim my blood work order and cross out the cystic fibrosis screening since I've already had it done.
In the exam room, I undressed and prepared to be examined for the first time in a long time, relatively speaking. When Dr. P burst into the room with a huge smile and a "Congratulations!" I couldn't help but feel happy and excited. "And you're ten weeks already! Wow!" I told her that wasn't accurate since I'm a late ovulator and she automatically responded, "Oh, that's okay, we can just do an ultrasound." I did a little happy dance. :) She immediately wanted to know what happened with me after she finally referred me to Dr. M. She seemed really pleased and proud of herself that it was a uterine septum, which I believe was her original theory. After a medical history questionnaire, she did a quick pap and then felt my uterus. She had to search a little since I'm retroverted, but when she found it, she said, "Oh yes, getting bigger!" This was a contrast to my first appointment last time: I was about a week further along, but when Dr. D went to find my uterus, she frowned and said, "You're not twelve weeks," which I knew, but then she went on to say, "You did get a positive home pregnancy test, right?" I guess my little septate uterus wasn't stretching at all.
Once the exam part was over, Dr. P assured us again that we would come in for an ultrasound as soon as possible, and we should be able to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound. The thought of seeing a heartbeat within a few days just made me sigh with relief and happiness. I know Dr. P appreciated that. She also said that by my next appointment they'd probably be able to hear a heartbeat with a doppler. And the next appointment feels so close since I'm doing such a great job of taking this one day at a time! On our way out of the exam room, Dr. P told the receptionist to schedule me for another appointment in four weeks and for the first available ultrasound. she emphasized again: "FIRST AVAILABLE." Then she asked for my blood work order again to add progesterone. She and I both know that low progesterone wasn't the cause of my miscarriage, but she said that since I had one they should test for it and they can always supplement if it's low. Okay, whatever! Since we had time, I went ahead and got my blood drawn right away after the appointment.
Second appointment is for 1/14 with Dr. D. And the first available ultrasound isn't until Monday at 10:30. Booo. But at least we're getting one before Christmas so that we have a visual aid when we tell people!
Erich was able to go with me, which was awesome. We had to wait a while, as usual, and then I was called in for a weight/BP/urine check with a nurse. She used the little useless wheel calendar to determine my due date based on my LMP: July 11. Not gonna happen, but she wasn't allowed to go by anything other than LMP. She gave me an order for standard blood work, and I went back to wait. Even though I hadn't been looking forward to returning to this office for the first time since my D&C follow-up, the more I sat there, the better I felt about everything. I'm pregnant, it's early, and I was there for my first appointment. One day at a time. Big whoop.
Before too long, Erich and I were called back to wait in an exam room for Dr. P. On our way, the nurse stopped me to reclaim my blood work order and cross out the cystic fibrosis screening since I've already had it done.
In the exam room, I undressed and prepared to be examined for the first time in a long time, relatively speaking. When Dr. P burst into the room with a huge smile and a "Congratulations!" I couldn't help but feel happy and excited. "And you're ten weeks already! Wow!" I told her that wasn't accurate since I'm a late ovulator and she automatically responded, "Oh, that's okay, we can just do an ultrasound." I did a little happy dance. :) She immediately wanted to know what happened with me after she finally referred me to Dr. M. She seemed really pleased and proud of herself that it was a uterine septum, which I believe was her original theory. After a medical history questionnaire, she did a quick pap and then felt my uterus. She had to search a little since I'm retroverted, but when she found it, she said, "Oh yes, getting bigger!" This was a contrast to my first appointment last time: I was about a week further along, but when Dr. D went to find my uterus, she frowned and said, "You're not twelve weeks," which I knew, but then she went on to say, "You did get a positive home pregnancy test, right?" I guess my little septate uterus wasn't stretching at all.
Once the exam part was over, Dr. P assured us again that we would come in for an ultrasound as soon as possible, and we should be able to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound. The thought of seeing a heartbeat within a few days just made me sigh with relief and happiness. I know Dr. P appreciated that. She also said that by my next appointment they'd probably be able to hear a heartbeat with a doppler. And the next appointment feels so close since I'm doing such a great job of taking this one day at a time! On our way out of the exam room, Dr. P told the receptionist to schedule me for another appointment in four weeks and for the first available ultrasound. she emphasized again: "FIRST AVAILABLE." Then she asked for my blood work order again to add progesterone. She and I both know that low progesterone wasn't the cause of my miscarriage, but she said that since I had one they should test for it and they can always supplement if it's low. Okay, whatever! Since we had time, I went ahead and got my blood drawn right away after the appointment.
Second appointment is for 1/14 with Dr. D. And the first available ultrasound isn't until Monday at 10:30. Booo. But at least we're getting one before Christmas so that we have a visual aid when we tell people!
Friday, December 5, 2008
I Had a Dream!
Okay, I dream pretty much nonstop when pregnant--vivid dreams that I remember upon waking. But something I never dreamed about with my last pregnancy was either being pregnant or having a baby. I didn't find that significant before the loss, though I was anxious to finally have a baby dream, but afterward it made me think. Maybe my subconscious knew it wasn't meant to be, and that's why I never had a baby or pregnancy dream? Or maybe it meant nothing.
Of all my crazy vivid dreams this time, there have been three of note:
1. About a week before my BFP, I had a dream of five positive pregnancy tests lined up on the bathroom counter. They were VERY positive and one of them was actually saturated with pink dye. In fact, it was a picture similar to this real one:
I like to think that the middle one where I smudged my sharpie was the saturated-dye test of the dream.
2. The weekend after Thanksgiving, I had a dream that I was spotting at 6 weeks. I kept checking with my finger and coming back with a little spot of thin red blood. Just so you know, that's not realistic at all. In my dream, it was my knowledge that 6 weeks pregnant+blood=bad that made me freak out, but the emotion of the dream was not actually scary at all. I knew I was dreaming, and this was just a manifestation of an incident the day before involving a chapped but mostly healed cold sore that split a little bit and left tiny drops of blood on my fingertip.
3. This very afternoon, I had a dream that I was caring for a little infant boy--MY newborn baby. Now, I'm pretty sure this dream was due to the fact that I fell asleep in the living room while watching Bringing Home Baby on TLC, but I still enjoyed the dream. I was about to start breastfeeding the baby, and my dad handed me a pink afghan that I had made (but not specifically for myself) so that I could cover myself up. Throughout the dream I either held the baby or sat him in a carseat, and he was smiling the whole time. Sometime he let out a really relieved and satisfied sigh as only a dreambaby newborn can.
I wouldn't call that last dream particularly realistic, and therefore it can't have been prophetic, but I'm still taking it as a good sign nonetheless. And I'm almost seven weeks pregnant! Halfway through the first trimester, 12 days until my first appointment (and then the real worrying begins, but we won't ponder that right now).
Of all my crazy vivid dreams this time, there have been three of note:
1. About a week before my BFP, I had a dream of five positive pregnancy tests lined up on the bathroom counter. They were VERY positive and one of them was actually saturated with pink dye. In fact, it was a picture similar to this real one:
I like to think that the middle one where I smudged my sharpie was the saturated-dye test of the dream.2. The weekend after Thanksgiving, I had a dream that I was spotting at 6 weeks. I kept checking with my finger and coming back with a little spot of thin red blood. Just so you know, that's not realistic at all. In my dream, it was my knowledge that 6 weeks pregnant+blood=bad that made me freak out, but the emotion of the dream was not actually scary at all. I knew I was dreaming, and this was just a manifestation of an incident the day before involving a chapped but mostly healed cold sore that split a little bit and left tiny drops of blood on my fingertip.
3. This very afternoon, I had a dream that I was caring for a little infant boy--MY newborn baby. Now, I'm pretty sure this dream was due to the fact that I fell asleep in the living room while watching Bringing Home Baby on TLC, but I still enjoyed the dream. I was about to start breastfeeding the baby, and my dad handed me a pink afghan that I had made (but not specifically for myself) so that I could cover myself up. Throughout the dream I either held the baby or sat him in a carseat, and he was smiling the whole time. Sometime he let out a really relieved and satisfied sigh as only a dreambaby newborn can.
I wouldn't call that last dream particularly realistic, and therefore it can't have been prophetic, but I'm still taking it as a good sign nonetheless. And I'm almost seven weeks pregnant! Halfway through the first trimester, 12 days until my first appointment (and then the real worrying begins, but we won't ponder that right now).
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thanksgiving
Tomorrow, I get to the six week mark! This pregnancy is moving slowly because I'm anxious to get out of the first trimester, but I really can't complain. I'm happy it's still going. Plus, WOW, did my symptoms suddenly show up! I wasn't worried about the mildness of my pregnancy symptoms earlier because I knew it was still very early. In my first pregnancy, I had nothing that made me feel far out of the normal range until about 5.5 weeks.
Well, as of Thanksgiving Day, I was 5w4d and started to notice a major onset of symptoms. My yucky bloat turned into major bloat--certainly helped by the large meal. My tiredness has turned into major fatigue. And I'm pretty sure I've grown at least half a cup size in just a few days. I FEEL pregnant, and it's wonderful.
But, Erich and I, the receptionist at my doctor's office, and the girls on thebump.com are still the only ones who know I'm in the family way. We got together with Erich's entire extended family for Thanksgiving--36 people in all. We knew we wouldn't be announcing any news at this gathering. I know the family will be so excited, but I can't imagine that everyone would be able to hide their apprehension. Heck, I'm still nervous. So we enjoyed having our little secret, though I was surprised at the number of times I had to suppress little urges to exclaim, "We're pregnant!!"
Anyway, I wish I would be further along than 9.5 weeks at Christmas, but nonetheless, that's when we've decided to tell our families. I just hope it's at a time when everyone, including me, can be purely excited and not too worried that this one will end the same way as the last. I mean, I know it CAN'T end the exact same way, i.e. baby getting choked out by uterine septum, but this is a touchy subject now, thanks to all my reproductive baggage.
There is just no erasing my happiness, above all. I love that my current worries are of the somewhat trivial nature, compared to worries as to whether I would ever get pregnant again or have kids. And I LOVE the fact that I'm virtually six weeks along with no signs of anything but a healthy, normal pregnancy. Praise the Lord!
Well, as of Thanksgiving Day, I was 5w4d and started to notice a major onset of symptoms. My yucky bloat turned into major bloat--certainly helped by the large meal. My tiredness has turned into major fatigue. And I'm pretty sure I've grown at least half a cup size in just a few days. I FEEL pregnant, and it's wonderful.
But, Erich and I, the receptionist at my doctor's office, and the girls on thebump.com are still the only ones who know I'm in the family way. We got together with Erich's entire extended family for Thanksgiving--36 people in all. We knew we wouldn't be announcing any news at this gathering. I know the family will be so excited, but I can't imagine that everyone would be able to hide their apprehension. Heck, I'm still nervous. So we enjoyed having our little secret, though I was surprised at the number of times I had to suppress little urges to exclaim, "We're pregnant!!"
Anyway, I wish I would be further along than 9.5 weeks at Christmas, but nonetheless, that's when we've decided to tell our families. I just hope it's at a time when everyone, including me, can be purely excited and not too worried that this one will end the same way as the last. I mean, I know it CAN'T end the exact same way, i.e. baby getting choked out by uterine septum, but this is a touchy subject now, thanks to all my reproductive baggage.
There is just no erasing my happiness, above all. I love that my current worries are of the somewhat trivial nature, compared to worries as to whether I would ever get pregnant again or have kids. And I LOVE the fact that I'm virtually six weeks along with no signs of anything but a healthy, normal pregnancy. Praise the Lord!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The Mantras
On the nest thebump.com, the ladies at the Success After a Loss message board have list of mantras, which I shall repost here (cleaned up for grammar and structure, because that's the kind of girl I am):
Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.
My past does not dictate my future. A previous loss does not mean I will have another loss.
Just because something sad is happening to someone else, does not mean it will happen to me. Miscarriage and complications are not contagious!
Hope does not make bad things happen. I cannot "jinx" my pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
And this is the hardest one: There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick won't prevent a miscarriage. And if, God forbid, it were to happen again, I know I will survive.
Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.
My past does not dictate my future. A previous loss does not mean I will have another loss.
Just because something sad is happening to someone else, does not mean it will happen to me. Miscarriage and complications are not contagious!
Hope does not make bad things happen. I cannot "jinx" my pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
And this is the hardest one: There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick won't prevent a miscarriage. And if, God forbid, it were to happen again, I know I will survive.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Intuition or Impatience?
Still pregnant! I took a third test in as many days this morning, and the second line was much, much darker. I'll still breathe easier when my period is actually late, but for now I can definitely say I'm knocked up!
It's funny how different I feel with this BFP compared to last January. Last January, I was definitely happy, but I was just so confused for the first three weeks. I couldn't figure out how far along I was. Actually, I thought I knew, but I turned out to be wrong--I had been pregnant for at least three weeks longer than I had thought. While I was happy to learn I was already nine weeks along and the time of greatest miscarriage risk was behind me, I still had trepidation. I couldn't bring myself to buy any maternity clothes or start registering for shower gifts. It just felt too soon. I was so glad I hadn't done those things when I did eventually find out about the miscarriage.
Did I know, deep down, my baby wouldn't live? Perhaps. But I think my trepidations were mostly a result of how new I was to the whole baby-making game. My second cycle off the pill had confused me greatly, and it resulted in a baby without my knowledge. In retrospect, I wish I had charted, but at the time I thought it would make me too obsessive. I can't say whether I really knew that pregnancy wasn't meant to be or whether I was just being cautious. It's too difficult not to view the past through the lens of the miscarriage.
Fast forward to today, and while the doubts and cautions are sneaking in, I am very excited. I believe that I will have a baby in July or early August. I found myself thinking in the past few days about how I want to get a onesie or a maternity shirt. I'm barely four weeks pregnant! Is this my intuition telling me that everything is going to be okay, or is it just that I'm so prepared and so ready to be pregnant that I'm not worrying too much about anything else? Either way, that's a good thing.
So it's going to be hard to keep this a secret. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. But whenever I think about actually doing that, I do come to my senses. I wasn't sure before if we'd even tell family as early as ten weeks, but that's how far along I'll be at Christmas, and what a perfect time to announce. But we will not tell our larger circle of friends or the general public until well into 2009. I don't really want to wait that long, but from where I stand that wait looks a lot easier than the waiting I faced last February.
For now, I'm doing a pretty good job of taking this one day at a time. Now that my septum is fixed, I'm at no increased risk for miscarriage. And since I made it past nine weeks last time, I have no reason to believe I have any condition that might cause an early miscarriage. So I'll just keep taking this day by day while I stare at my three (and counting, to be sure) positive pregnancy tests!
It's funny how different I feel with this BFP compared to last January. Last January, I was definitely happy, but I was just so confused for the first three weeks. I couldn't figure out how far along I was. Actually, I thought I knew, but I turned out to be wrong--I had been pregnant for at least three weeks longer than I had thought. While I was happy to learn I was already nine weeks along and the time of greatest miscarriage risk was behind me, I still had trepidation. I couldn't bring myself to buy any maternity clothes or start registering for shower gifts. It just felt too soon. I was so glad I hadn't done those things when I did eventually find out about the miscarriage.
Did I know, deep down, my baby wouldn't live? Perhaps. But I think my trepidations were mostly a result of how new I was to the whole baby-making game. My second cycle off the pill had confused me greatly, and it resulted in a baby without my knowledge. In retrospect, I wish I had charted, but at the time I thought it would make me too obsessive. I can't say whether I really knew that pregnancy wasn't meant to be or whether I was just being cautious. It's too difficult not to view the past through the lens of the miscarriage.
Fast forward to today, and while the doubts and cautions are sneaking in, I am very excited. I believe that I will have a baby in July or early August. I found myself thinking in the past few days about how I want to get a onesie or a maternity shirt. I'm barely four weeks pregnant! Is this my intuition telling me that everything is going to be okay, or is it just that I'm so prepared and so ready to be pregnant that I'm not worrying too much about anything else? Either way, that's a good thing.
So it's going to be hard to keep this a secret. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. But whenever I think about actually doing that, I do come to my senses. I wasn't sure before if we'd even tell family as early as ten weeks, but that's how far along I'll be at Christmas, and what a perfect time to announce. But we will not tell our larger circle of friends or the general public until well into 2009. I don't really want to wait that long, but from where I stand that wait looks a lot easier than the waiting I faced last February.
For now, I'm doing a pretty good job of taking this one day at a time. Now that my septum is fixed, I'm at no increased risk for miscarriage. And since I made it past nine weeks last time, I have no reason to believe I have any condition that might cause an early miscarriage. So I'll just keep taking this day by day while I stare at my three (and counting, to be sure) positive pregnancy tests!
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