Intuition or Impatience?

Still pregnant! I took a third test in as many days this morning, and the second line was much, much darker. I'll still breathe easier when my period is actually late, but for now I can definitely say I'm knocked up!

It's funny how different I feel with this BFP compared to last January. Last January, I was definitely happy, but I was just so confused for the first three weeks. I couldn't figure out how far along I was. Actually, I thought I knew, but I turned out to be wrong--I had been pregnant for at least three weeks longer than I had thought. While I was happy to learn I was already nine weeks along and the time of greatest miscarriage risk was behind me, I still had trepidation. I couldn't bring myself to buy any maternity clothes or start registering for shower gifts. It just felt too soon. I was so glad I hadn't done those things when I did eventually find out about the miscarriage.

Did I know, deep down, my baby wouldn't live? Perhaps. But I think my trepidations were mostly a result of how new I was to the whole baby-making game. My second cycle off the pill had confused me greatly, and it resulted in a baby without my knowledge. In retrospect, I wish I had charted, but at the time I thought it would make me too obsessive. I can't say whether I really knew that pregnancy wasn't meant to be or whether I was just being cautious. It's too difficult not to view the past through the lens of the miscarriage.

Fast forward to today, and while the doubts and cautions are sneaking in, I am very excited. I believe that I will have a baby in July or early August. I found myself thinking in the past few days about how I want to get a onesie or a maternity shirt. I'm barely four weeks pregnant! Is this my intuition telling me that everything is going to be okay, or is it just that I'm so prepared and so ready to be pregnant that I'm not worrying too much about anything else? Either way, that's a good thing.

So it's going to be hard to keep this a secret. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. But whenever I think about actually doing that, I do come to my senses. I wasn't sure before if we'd even tell family as early as ten weeks, but that's how far along I'll be at Christmas, and what a perfect time to announce. But we will not tell our larger circle of friends or the general public until well into 2009. I don't really want to wait that long, but from where I stand that wait looks a lot easier than the waiting I faced last February.

For now, I'm doing a pretty good job of taking this one day at a time. Now that my septum is fixed, I'm at no increased risk for miscarriage. And since I made it past nine weeks last time, I have no reason to believe I have any condition that might cause an early miscarriage. So I'll just keep taking this day by day while I stare at my three (and counting, to be sure) positive pregnancy tests!