Not sure why it suddenly seems this way, but it seems like my Facebook is absolutely exploding with babies. None are mine. Never mine.
Luckily, I still don't have many friends IRL going through successful pregnancies... but I've seen enough happy families, easy pregnancies, and unspoiled notions of "BFP=baby" to make me feel like I'm going crazy. [I'm happy for them, but each time I see it I feel that much worse for myself. And THAT makes me feel guilty.] It makes me want to scream.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY NOT ME? Why should anyone ever have to go through two miscarriages (or more) with no healthy child first or in between? Why do I have to be one of that 1% of the female population with a uterine septum? Why do I have to be in the less than 5% of the population who has two miscarriages in a row?
If I actually believed I were being punished for specific sins, I'd be flogging myself right now. At least then I could blame it on something. I'd at least have some excuse, something I could know not to do wrong next time. But there's nothing. All I can do is stumble through life and find some reason to hope that things will work out next time. It's all so very, very tiring.
Hi. My name is Susan, and I am bitter. And infertile.
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We are a young couple eager to start a family. 2008 brought a miscarriage, a diagnosis of uterine septum, a septum resection surgery, and another miscarriage. We are now cautiously expecting our firstborn in January, 2010.
Our Timeline
9/22/07 - Married
1/05/08 - BFP
1/22/08 - First appointment
1/24/08 - First u/s for dating. Baby measured 9w1d
2/10/08 - Minor spotting begins
2/13/08 - Emergency u/s reveals no heartbeat. Baby measured 9w0d
2/18/08 - D&C, septum or bicornuate uterus suspected
4/02/08 - First AF after m/c
4/10/08 - HSG shows unicornuate uterus
4/17/08 - Pelvic u/s shows possibly bicornuate uterus
5/13/08 - First appointment with RE
6/23/08 - Hysterosonogram shows uterine septum
6/27/08 - Septum resected
7/11/08 - CD1, TTC resumes
11/13/08 - BFP
12/17/08 - First appointment, all is well
12/19/08 - Diagnosed with low progesterone (8.72 @ 8w4d)
12/22/08 - Miscarriage #2 confirmed: blighted ovum
12/23/08 - D&C
2/18/09 - After 57 days, CD1
4/30/09 - BFP
5/7/09 - Diagnosed with low progesterone (11.2 @ 17DPO), on supplements
5/9/09 - hCG doubling
5/28/09 - First appt & u/s, baby measured 7w1d, heartbeat seen and heard
6/25/09 - Second appt, heartbeat heard
6/28/09 - Off progesterone, all is well
8/15/09 - Big u/s: It's a girl!
9/18/09 - 1-hour glucose screening: FAIL
9/25/09 - 3-hour glucose tolerance: PASS!
12/23/09 - L&D for high BP
1/7/10 - Induced for PIH
1/8/10 - Lily born via c-section
1/05/08 - BFP
1/22/08 - First appointment
1/24/08 - First u/s for dating. Baby measured 9w1d
2/10/08 - Minor spotting begins
2/13/08 - Emergency u/s reveals no heartbeat. Baby measured 9w0d
2/18/08 - D&C, septum or bicornuate uterus suspected
4/02/08 - First AF after m/c
4/10/08 - HSG shows unicornuate uterus
4/17/08 - Pelvic u/s shows possibly bicornuate uterus
5/13/08 - First appointment with RE
6/23/08 - Hysterosonogram shows uterine septum
6/27/08 - Septum resected
7/11/08 - CD1, TTC resumes
11/13/08 - BFP
12/17/08 - First appointment, all is well
12/19/08 - Diagnosed with low progesterone (8.72 @ 8w4d)
12/22/08 - Miscarriage #2 confirmed: blighted ovum
12/23/08 - D&C
2/18/09 - After 57 days, CD1
4/30/09 - BFP
5/7/09 - Diagnosed with low progesterone (11.2 @ 17DPO), on supplements
5/9/09 - hCG doubling
5/28/09 - First appt & u/s, baby measured 7w1d, heartbeat seen and heard
6/25/09 - Second appt, heartbeat heard
6/28/09 - Off progesterone, all is well
8/15/09 - Big u/s: It's a girl!
9/18/09 - 1-hour glucose screening: FAIL
9/25/09 - 3-hour glucose tolerance: PASS!
12/23/09 - L&D for high BP
1/7/10 - Induced for PIH
1/8/10 - Lily born via c-section
Glossary
AF - Aunt Flo (menstruation)
BC - Birth Control
BFN - Big Fat Negative (home pregnancy test result)
BFP - Big Fat Positive (home pregnancy test result)
CD - Cycle Day
D&C - Dilation and Curettage
DH - Dear Husband
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
EDD - Estimated Due Date
HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
HSC - Hysteroscopy
HSG - Hysterosalpingogram
IC - Incompetent Cervix
IRL - In real life (not online)
LAP - Laparoscopy
LMP - Last Menstrual Period
MA - Müllerian Anomaly
M/C - Miscarriage
PMS - Premenstrual Syndrome
PNV - Prenatal Vitamin
POAS - Pee on a Stick
PTL - Preterm Labor
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist
TMI - Too Much Information
TTC - Trying to Conceive
U/S - Ultrasound
BC - Birth Control
BFN - Big Fat Negative (home pregnancy test result)
BFP - Big Fat Positive (home pregnancy test result)
CD - Cycle Day
D&C - Dilation and Curettage
DH - Dear Husband
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
EDD - Estimated Due Date
HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
HSC - Hysteroscopy
HSG - Hysterosalpingogram
IC - Incompetent Cervix
IRL - In real life (not online)
LAP - Laparoscopy
LMP - Last Menstrual Period
MA - Müllerian Anomaly
M/C - Miscarriage
PMS - Premenstrual Syndrome
PNV - Prenatal Vitamin
POAS - Pee on a Stick
PTL - Preterm Labor
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist
TMI - Too Much Information
TTC - Trying to Conceive
U/S - Ultrasound
Labels
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- books (1)
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4 comments:
Oh sweetie, I didn't know you were going through another loss. I am so sorry. I also had two losses. One of them was confirmed as chromosomal. In a way, I thought to myself that my body, though flawed, was actually doing something right. It wasn't the septum. It was a miscarriage that any "normal" woman could experience. It didn't make it any easier, but it gave me a bit of ease to see it that way.
I know what you mean about FB. As one of those people who did have a baby (after a septum and 2 losses mind you) I am still cautious about flaunting my baby. I DO NOT ever use his picture as my own profile picture, in part because of my sensitivity to people who are struggling to conceive. I don't know if it matters, but that is what I do.
It is ok to feel bitter and defeated. But please don't ever look to blame yourself. I can't tell you why we each walk these paths, but this is part or your (our) lives. You will make it through.
Meredith, I didn't realize one of your losses wasn't directly due to the septum! I know what you mean about at least having a "normal" miscarriage. Mine was a blighted ovum, but the chromosomes were normal. It helps more than you know to see you having come out the other side. I'm pretty sure you're the only person I know of who can have some idea how I feel. Thank you. :)
Hi Susan.
Hi. My name is Kristin, and I am a habitual aborter. And I am bitter.
My FB is also full of all sorts of pg ladies and their cute (living) kids. We can't run, can't hide can we?
Hi Susan -
I have no idea how I stumbled on your blog originally, but have it marked and checked it today for some reason. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your second child. I, too, have suffered the loss of 2 children through miscarriage after several years of infertility and treatments, as well as the death of a child we were adopting. I fully remember a time when I thought I would never be a mother, and it was so very painful, as you know. I now am daily amazed that there are 4 children running through my house, 2 through birth and 2 through adoption, with one more in my womb which will hopefully arrive safely. As terrible as it is right now, don't give up hope. May God comfort and preserve you.
Blessings,
Kathy
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