Mother's Day

Talk about a hairy subject. I still don't even know what to think about it. Prior to 2/13 I was kind of looking forward to it--my first Mother's Day! Now I feel as if it's been taken away from me. Sure, I'm a mother, but the world doesn't see me that way, and even if they did, the fact remains: Mother's Day is not a happy occasion for a mother like me.

So now, as usual, I'm torn between wanting to be acknowledged and hoping to be overlooked while focusing on mothers around me who have been blessed with the ability to hold their children. As the day draws closer, the more I realize I wish it didn't exist at all.

I've also noticed another trend: my fertility journey has been defined by small incremental steps. Between each step, I go through a particular emotional process:

Part 1: Frantically try to process newly learned information.
Duration: ~1 day

Part 2: Experience relief that another step has been completed.
Duration: ~2 days

Part 3: Wait patiently with hopes that the next step will be progressive.
Duration: however long it takes to get to Part 4

Part 4: Worry that the next step will not be productive, nothing new will be learned, and/or I'll have to tell the doctor what to do or find a new doctor.
Duration: 5-7 days preceding next step

Part 5: Depression. Preparing myself for the worst: total and hopeless infertility.
Duration: concurrent with the final days of Part 4

Guess which part I'm experiencing right now? Yes, part 4. And Mother's Day comes just two days before my RE consult, so I'll probably be in the depths of part 5 just when all of America gets gooey about new and expectant moms. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but I can't help it that my excitement wanes as my worries resurface.

So I'll cling to something totally arbitrary and choose to call it a good sign: my RE appointment is May 13, exactly three months after I failed to hear my baby's heartbeat.