Patience

CD 30 and no AF in sight. I've been having PMS symptoms on and off, but all I can really gather from my body's signals is that my hormones are still completely messed up and I have no idea what to expect. But while two weeks ago I was very anxious to get AF by 3/17 (or 3/19 at the very latest), at this point I'm just rolling with it. What will be, will be.

Patience is probably the strongest theme on this blog and in my life right now. Each time I have a tiny sliver of new information about this whole ordeal, I get very worked up and eager to have answers NOW. Finding out that the HSG requires a very specific situation in order to take place only made matters worse. I told myself to be patient; others reminded me that I would have to be patient. Well, patience is not a switch I can turn on and off. Patience must be practiced. In the past month, I have found patience through the turning of the earth, through the simple fact that life can and must go on. In the past few weeks, I have gradually become more calm, more peaceful, and I attribute that to increasing numbness, forgetting what it's like to go through what I've been through this year. And, happily, I've had distractions. I'm a church musician and it's Holy Week, so obviously I'm keeping myself busy. As far as taking care of my anatomical problems is concerned, patience is the only option. And that's okay.

Now as my "AF Deadline" is imminent, I am trying to wake myself up from this numb, sleepy patience. I'm trying to remind myself that I mean to take charge of my own care; I need to be my own advocate in the medical world. Unless AF arrives tomorrow (not likely), I intend to call my doctor on Thursday to see if she can order an MRI. It is not outside the realm of possibility that she doesn't know that MRI is better for diagnosing MAs. (It's also possible that it's not feasible to have an MRI before HSG. I don't know--but there's no harm in asking.) And I think as soon as I finally have a period, I'm going to start charting my basal body temperatures daily so that I can have some clues for myself, or a doctor if necessary, as to what is really going on in my crazy body.

Can I remain patient while arming myself with as much information and knowledge as I can? That remains to be seen. But I don't doubt that patience will find me when it becomes the only option, and I'll be okay.