The Follow-up

It has now been over two weeks since the D&C. The time seemed to go fast--I need to embrace that feeling, because there will be many more periods of waiting from now until we have a baby.

The appointment time was 10:45. I was so happy that Erich could go with me; we got there right around 10:45. We finally got into an exam room at 11:40ish. That was the longest I've ever waited in that office in the short time I've been going to that practice. I know, however, that the wait was due to the fact that the other doctor that day was not able to come in. Luckily, it was not the doctor I was seeing, so at least we weren't sent home.

There were a lot of largely pregnant women in the waiting room. And there was a newborn. I'm not bitter enough to hate these people for remaining pregnant, but it sure makes me uncomfortable to be around them. I should be 15 weeks pregnant already. Booo.

So a nurse finally took us back, took my blood pressure, apologized kindly for our loss. It was nice of her, but the sympathy of strangers irl always throws me off kilter a little bit. When we got to the exam room, Erich and I were both feeling a bit nervous. But as we got used to our surroundings, we calmed down a bit--we had plenty of time, anyway. Dr. P came in a few minutes after noon--only 1 hour and 15 minutes after our appointment time!

I've decided I really like Dr. P. She's very pleasant, has a great bedside manner, and seems very capable. She did a quick internal exam, seemed very glad to hear that the bleeding has stopped, and then got right down to business with this little possible-septum problem. She was more non-committal this time; though she didn't exactly imply that there could be anything besides a septum in my uterus, she also didn't seem to be working with an assumed diagnosis. She did say that whatever it is could have caused the m/c if the baby implanted in a part of the uterus that was tighter and unable to stretch properly. She ordered an HSG, or hysterosalpingogram, to see the interior of my uterus and determine what's there, and from there they'll determine what happens next--whether it will be removed and how, or if no action will be taken. I asked how long it will take before I can have this done, and she said there's no big delays in scheduling--within the next few weeks. I took this as good news. I think she totally understood our desire to get this figured out and fixed as soon as possible.

When we checked out, I got a card with a number to call at the hospital to schedule the HSG. They told me to wait 2-3 hours for them to get the order into the computer system before I called. Around 3pm, I had a free moment, so I called Central Scheduling. After being put on hold for a while then asked a few questions ("Do you have the order?" No, they said it was in the computer system. "What's the diagnosis?" Um, I have no clue? Isn't that why I'm having a test?), they finally asked when my last period was. I couldn't tell them; I said I just had a D&C two weeks ago and am waiting for my first period. The lady said the test HAS to be done on CD 8, 9 or 10. So I have to call back the day I get my period to schedule the HSG for 7, 8, or 9 days later. Oh yeah, and NO INTERCOURSE from the time I get my period until two days after the test. Otherwise they WILL NOT do it and I'd have to reschedule.

Complication: Erich and I are leaving the country on 3/27 and I'm returning 9 days later. AF may arrive anytime between two and four weeks from now. We're involved in a very intricate dance in which my body has to fully cooperate if I'm going to have this HSG before we leave. I've already figured that AF needs to arrive on 3/17 (28 days after D&C, what wishful thinking) if I'm going to have a good window before we leave. The second best option would be if AF arrives while we're gone. I'll just make an expensive phone call to schedule it for the following week. Unacceptable would be AF arriving the week before we leave. This timing would necessitate waiting for another cycle before HSG.

As I get nervous about what might happen in the next few weeks, I get very frustrated at my body, because I don't trust it to cooperate. Heck, if my body were cooperative, this stupid septum would have dissolved when I was a fetus like it was supposed to. Stupid body. (Even as I type, my left forearm is seizing up with tendonitis pain. This is just insulting.)

The D&C helped trigger deep feelings of loss and grief. This follow-up appointment has sparked feelings of frustration, a dash of bitterness, and did I mention frustration? I just want to move forward, to achieve my goal faster than is actually possible at this juncture. I wish there were some way to peer into the future, to get some real reassurance that someday we'll be able to have a family of our own. Right now it feels like I'll never know. Blergh.