In a vacuum, I am doing spectacularly well. I am amazingly well-adjusted and healthy. I have no unrealistic expectations of myself. I am okay with my super long cycles--hey, at least I ovulate! I see every period of waiting as a chance to improve my life in all areas, and I never nurture any irrational doubts that I will ever be a mother. I am the very model of mental calm.
Unfortunately, life doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's in real life that I find this exemplary balance I've struck is actually extremely delicate. A breeze renders it unsteady; a gust can obliterate it. I've recently received some news (external, nothing to do with me directly*) on par with tornado-strength winds. I now have to do what I wasn't planning on having to do any time soon: pick up the pieces yet again and build a new support for the ever-elusive Hope.
I'm feeling angry at the world. Where yesterday my long-term view of the year ahead of me was simple and devoid of any major limitations, I now see timelines spring up, deadlines for maximum possible happiness. I really REALLY don't need to add that kind of stress to TTC. That's soooo 2008. This year was supposed to be different, but from my perspective right now, it's looking to be equally stressful and disappointing. I can't be more optimistic than that at this point: again, Hope has lost all foundation. It'll take some time to get that back.
Mostly, I'm resentful. I'm normally perfectly happy to fade into the background, so it's all the worse that Erich and I are now "that sad couple." "Better be nice to them, they're having problems." In my little vacuum, I'm so blessed and happy. Despite--and also because of--the challenges we've faced, our marriage is stronger than ever. Outside that vacuum, I feel exposed and vulnerable to pitying glances. Every glass of wine I drink is proof to others that I'm not yet truly fulfilled. Someone else's exciting news is a knife to my heart. It seems I'm having to choose between being emotionally on-display and total reclusiveness.
I just want to quit it all and have a whole separate miscarriage life that I don't have to live every day.
*Imagine a world where TWO positive pregnancy tests is incontrovertable proof that a baby will arrive, healthy and whole, nine months later. In this magical, mythical world, you can get pregnant without even meaning to--in fact, you can get pregnant while specifically trying not to. You don't have to worry about keeping your baby alive through pregnancy, you just have to worry about feeding and clothing it. There's no need to fret about whether this baby is healthy, but you do have to watch out for the possibility that there could be two in there. Did I mention the streets are paved with gold, the shores are lined with baby powder, and diapers are the universal currency? Such a marvelous, magical world! If only we could find a way to get there!
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2 comments:
(((hugs))).
I wish I could separate those lives for you. I wish that no women ever had to survive after a miscarriage - let alone two. I wish that there were no 'want to be' parents in the world.
I'm sick of it too. If you find a way to separate those worlds, please let me know, and I'll join you there.
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