A Very Short Long Time

And here is my poignant, "isn't it funny?" post for the day.

One year ago today, two days before Christmas, I was going through one of the worst times of my life for the second time in one year. For the second time, I had to go to the hospital, months too soon, to evacuate my womb of the products of conception, our baby whose life was over before it ever really started. It was hard to think of a worse way to spend Christmas, bloated and sad, wallowing instead of joyfully sharing the news of our pregnancy with our families.

It was an easy D&C, compared to the first one. It was the first time I met Dr. J, who was so kind and supportive. My recovery was physically easy and I wasn't plunged into a world of questions and uncertainty, also in contrast to the first time. Still, I couldn't help but wonder whether I would ever be pregnant for more than one trimester. Could I ever expect my babies not to die? Would I always just cycle through TTC, early pregnancy, and miscarriage?

Then there was this little taboo that seemed to come along with multiple miscarriages. One was horrible and tragic. But two? After two, we seemed to enter the realm of "they have problems." I was dissatisfied with how even close family seemed to try to sweep this under the rug. I'm sure they were following my lead, and I sure didn't want to bring it up. But I would have liked to talk about it a little bit more. Instead, I got depressed. But we all know I came out the other side and was finally able to move on, eventually.

And fast forward: today, December 23, one year after my D&C, I turned 37 weeks, technically full-term, with our expected first born. Instead of lonely, bloated and sad on Christmas, I'll be... well, still a little bit lonely since we can't travel, definitely bloated, but excited and expectant--no sad. I'm finally pretty much on the other side of that "perspective" that the whole crappy year of 2008 was supposed to give me.

I can't say it all worked out for the best. While I'm glad I'm not huge in the summer, I'm not exactly loving being huge during ice storms either. I am glad we're already in a house and not still in the old duplex. I could probably come up with a whole list of pros and cons of now versus what would have been, but it's not worth my time.

The point is, I'm not trying to be super sentimental here and say that one outcome is necessarily better than another. Clearly, we would not have Lily if Vector had survived. Is this a good thing? Not necessarily--it's not for me to know. The contrast between December 23, 2008 and December 23, 2009 shows how much can change in a year, and I'm glad for the changes. Having a baby wiggling in my belly is so much better than being freshly scraped out. Changing holiday plans for late pregnancy is so much better than changing holiday plans for miscarriage recovery.

A year past always feels so much shorter than a year ahead. Being full-term pregnant a year after a D&C shows just how short that long time can be.